Trust

It's one of the qualities I value most and look for most in others. If I can trust them, I'm comfortable with them and things go smoothly. On a deeper level, I can trust people with my inner thoughts I don't wish to share with just anyone, and those I truly trust I know I can lean on and look to when I fall.

I trust my friends somewhat, I trust my close friends a lot, and I trust my family a lot. I trust God, but probably not as much as I should. This is ridiculous when I think about it, because God is more loyal than all my friends and family could ever be combined. He's there for me when I need it most, even when I don't deserve it, time and again. And yet, I seem to put my trust on hold when He asks to me to step into the unknown.

Maybe that's where my relationship has gone wrong. You see, I've felt this void between God and me that others seem to have filled. At worship, many seem so intensely focused on the words and so connected with God. Me, I try, I ask God, I look to be connected, but I end up just singing through the songs, and I don't get much more out of it than the energy or sound of the music. That bothers me.

Also, I seem to get so caught up in the "performing" of music and the "art" of prayer, that I really think I lose it for myself. I don't feel like I think I should when I'm praying and worshiping, or rather leading worship. I hear testimonies from others, even from my best friend at a major church rally about how God felt so close, how tears came down his eyes because of the change and the connection that he felt. Just one, just once I want to cry because of my relationship with God. Just once.

Maybe it's just my personality, maybe I'm over analyzing it. I love God, I know that, and I know deep in my heart that God loves me more than I could ever imagine. But just read one of my posts earlier about how false I see myself or how false I feel and in that lies the problem.

Perhaps more trust in is order. Trust to let God take control. Trust that God with find me and connect with me if I just let go and seek Him. Trust that my prayers will come out from the heart and not the mind of someone who doesn't want to mess up. Trust that when I sing both in youth group and in big church that it's not just for the singing or the compliments, but that the song and words are for an audience of One.

Perhaps I also need to be in the Word, and trust that more of what God says will bring my relationship closer and closer with Him. It's a tough fight, and it's been one I've seen and ignored time and again. It's time to stop ignoring my void, my distance from my Saviour. Stop ignoring it and start filling it with trust.