Ugh

Embarrassment may not be the most painful feeling of them all, but it certainly seems to come back again and again. And usually it's not even a big deal to others, they forget about it after they see it happen. But I always seem to remember my own mess ups, and the next time I think of it I feel almost as stupid as I did then, thinking I can never redeem myself or recover from these stupidities. The more I think about it too, the more I understand how stupid I was, which makes it even worse. I'm just a wreck when it comes to embarrassment, and I hate it. And the problem is, I don't even on the outside look like I want to impress anyone, but I guess underneath I still can't stand looking stupid or doing/saying something stupid. Shame on me for how much I am influenced by others...

Can you tell I recently had one of those embarrassing moments? Yeah, I thought so... ugh

The good good and the bad good

So there's to types of pleasure (good) in this world. There's the good that is good for you, and there's the good that's bad for you. I ask myself the question over and over why we always choose the good bad. Like candy. We choose that over fresh fruit. Even though the healthy fruit tastes good and is beneficial for our bodies, we choose the candy that tastes good but is unhealthy in the long run. Well, the same thing goes with just about everything else.

Every time I choose that candy I think I should just forget about trying to "eat healthy". I think I should just indulge and keep eating chocolate and donuts and other junk food, because I've convinced myself there's no way I can get out of it. Well, I know there is, but I want to think there isn't so I can just give up and enjoy.

I was watching a college basketball game tonight. I've watched about five or six endings of these games, and they all end the same way. Either it's overtime or near the end of the 2nd half and the one team is down like 3 points. They work hard, but the other team gets further and further away in the score, and time is running out. I look at the clock and think this is stupid, it's impossible for them to win. Why are they even trying? But they do, they play their hearts out even when there's 15 seconds on the clock and they're down by 10 points. It's insane, and they can't win, but they act like it's a 1 point game.

I want to be like that losing NCAA team. I want to play like I can win even when I think I can't. I want to play my heart out at whatever challenge faces me. I can sit on the sidelines and write about it all I want, but the truth is I need to get out there and play when the score is against me. But the difference between me and that team is that it's not impossible to win. In fact, I'm ahead in the score. Half of the challenges I'm facing don't require anything of me, they actually require me to do something to fail. If I choose not to do it, I made the layup at the buzzer. I win. That simple.

I will win this.

Stats on time

In follow up to how people use their time...

Get this

Based off of an 85 year lifespan, a person (on average) will spend:

-2 minutes a day brushing his teeth, which is
12.1 hours in a year
43.1 (24 hour) days in a lifetime

-15 minutes a day using the restroom, which is
91.25 hours in a year
46.2 weeks in a lifetime

-2 hours a day watching TV, which is
30.4 days in a year
7.1 years in a lifetime

How much time we spend in prayer? How much do we spend reading the Bible? It adds up over the course of a lifetime. If we could devote just one minute a day to studying the word, that would be 21.6 days of Bible reading over the course of a lifetime. Just one minute! Just five minutes in prayer would be 15.4 weeks of prayer in a lifetime. Imagine how much time you spend talking to your friends everyday. I'm sure it's more than five minutes. Shouldn't we want to spend more of our time talking to the one who gave it to us? It's not much to ask for. And we have 1440 minutes in a 24 hour day, thats 960 minutes not including the average 8 hours of sleep. Do we really just not have the time? Think about it...

Putting everything else aside

So many idols in this world today. Idols that take up our time and our money. People may deny the term, but I believe to a certain extent we 'worship' our earthly idols. The term worship is defined as 'an act to acknowledge the value or worth of something'. And though we may not get on our hands and knees every morning and bow down to our favorite sport, our money, our computer or TV, our favorite celebrity, or whatever it may be, we do spend a lot of our time doing what we like to do most. And where are time goes, our worship goes also.

I believe that we can worship God by giving Him our time and by using our time for Him and His purposes. So wouldn't that be true of any idol or god? Time is the most valuable possession we have. Each one of us has the same amount, 24 hours a day, and nobody can produce more of it. I realize that if I could have any superpower it would be to control time. Because no matter what else one can do, nothing beats having all the time in the world to accomplish something. But I wonder how much of our 24 hours, (more like 15 or 16 of active hours) how much we spend doing practical things, things that make a difference.

How we spend our time is directly related to what we value most. I realize from my time spent on the computer, I value the computer a lot for its multiple purposes, some of those being regrettable ones. I could even say I'm dependent on it for some things and that in a sense I worship it. I have no defense for this, for I know I need to use my time better and get my priorities straight. I've seen what being consumed by material things can do, in this case the PC consuming my time, my energy, and some of my passion for God. It's what I've been thinking about lately, and it's the one thing I can't get straightened out. I want to be all these idols aside and put God in the center. I want to give my time to God, plain and simple. If God was my one priority and my only idol, I'd be set. I've just got to get there...

The communication warzone

It starts with a simple question, or maybe a simple thought, on some theological, questionable idea. That gets everyone's attention, at least everyone who is interested in discussing these "deeper" and more gray areas. It gets the attention of those who are strongly for or strongly against the subject. But from there, the communication can turn two ways. It can be a trade or exchange of ideas in a friendly and open-minded way. Both sides aren't looking for anything more than to provide benefit to each other with the information they can share. But that's only if it's a trade...

The sides also have a choice to become offensive. The basic hope of this method of communication is to destroy the other side and have them in the end submit to the attacker's way of thinking. They do this in two ways. Either they officially declare war and both sides officially begin to bombard each other in debate, or they hide their offensive but nonetheless attack and remain offensive despite the neutrality of the other side. In both cases, they have a war on their hands, and nothing good ever seems to come from wars over compromise, especially wars of words.

So why do so many Christian's expect to win the war for Christ through argumentative wars? I used to, years ago, and I thought that was the way to go. I would throw out all I could at my atheist friends hoping that one spiritual grenade would land right in the fox hole of their heart. But it turns out they weren't the right kind of grenades, and they didn't nearly have the range to reach my friends.

The message Christians need to be showing to others is Christ's love. That's it, that's all we need. Show others what God's love has done for them, what God's love means to you, and how it has changed your life. 2/3 of it is personal testimony, 1/3 of it the actual message of the Cross. Nowhere in there is it about "converting" them by convincing them atheism is wrong and couldn't work, by slamming their opinions as shallow minded, and responding with such opposition and "religious zeal" to perhaps strongly worded questions. That's not what Jesus was about, and that's not how Christians should be either. If arguing is showing God's love, then perhaps God's love doesn't mean that much.

For many Christians, we feel the need to defend the faith. When we get asked tough or threatening questions, sometimes it's hard not to respond aggressively. But before we get ourselves into a war, maybe we should think about firing back, and instead throw the white flag. Ask about what they believe in interest and with an open mind, and if they ask you questions they want answered, answer back with respect and love.

When we convince our opponents to trade rather than fight we open up the doors of opportunity. When we argue, the doors are shut because they aren't listening just like you aren't. Both of your defenses are up and you're lobbing grenades and firing away at each other with no hope of penetrating. Sure, you might break a wall or two, but it gets built right back up the next time. You can never get inside. Someone once told me arguing is a weapon of non-Christians, and using the same weapon is like putting yourself into a trap. They want that, because nobody gets anywhere in an argument and it isn't truly representing of what God is all about.

This truth is hitting harder and harder for me as I see debates going on in school that lead to heated arguments, as well as the people I've seen preaching "hell and brimstone" to non-believers, condemning rather than loving. We can't argue or scare people into believing; in fact we can't do anything to make people believe, only God can. We only plant the seed. But that seed may miss the mark or may be rotten if planted in the wrong way. Plant the seeds with care and love and respect, and God will make them grow.


Let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action.
1 John 3:18

True Humility

The concept enthralls me. Let me start by saying this, not one person who ever did or ever will walk this Earth has shown true perfect humility except for the Godman himself, JC. What does true humility look like? I've pondered that as I've made my own attempts at it, which have proven far from successful.
Humility or humbleness, is putting others first, not thinking of yourself in what you do. At least, that's the definition we all come to associate it with. But there's more than that. You see, true humility looks also at the heart. What are our intentions down in the depths of our hearts, and why do we do the things we do really? I can't speak for everyone, but looking into myself I've found my own actions to be very others center on the outside and very selfish on the inside.
People who might know me would think otherwise. They'd say "Dave... you sing at church, you tithe, you give countless hours to the band and youth group, you sacrifice time and popularity to do what's right in God's eyes. How could you call yourself selfish?" But, as I pointed out, all they can see is the outside motive. Honestly and truly, God's pointing the finger straight at me (and me at myself) for vastly my heart differs from my outside appearance.
Somewhere deep down is a desire for God, a true passionate desire that would be satisfied with God and nothing else. But that's been shrouded in something much more unclean, my own personal desires. Humans seem to be made to follow the desires and pleasures we find in life. Whatever does or feels the most good is what we will do. And what I've found in recent years as the "good" that I desire is that desire to be the most humble, to be the most Christian, to be the most mature in the eyes of my peers and elders. It makes me feel good to know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm afraid that I'm doing it because solely I want to feel good about doing it. Take singing for example. I really desire to sing in church now, because afterwards I feel really good about what I did. I get all these great compliments about my voice and it makes me feel great. I ask myself, what if I didn't get all those compliments? What if I didn't get all those things that make me feel good about doing it? Would I still do it?
True humility for God and for others needs a selfless attitude. We can't be thinking about ourselves, our motives, our feel good pleasure highs, or anything else other than the needs of the other person. Personally, I find that impossible, because all the time I do things I do them (at least partly if not mostly) for the good things feelings I get. This frustrates me beyond belief. I really want to find that one thing I could do for God that I don't at all want to do and that when I do it I don't expect to feel good about it. That way, when I do complete it and feel good I'll know I did it without thinking at all for myself. Most of the time I think I would fail miserably at this test, because I don't think my heart is truly there yet to be able to do something without a little bit in it for me, even if it's just for the feeling of knowing I did it.
I think there is one good feeling that can motivate me that's a selfless feeling. The true good feeling that comes from serving God is what I'm aiming for, and once I obtain that, it will be my motivation and my prize for doing God's will. If a person needs a reason for themselves to do something for others, I can't think of a more selfless one than that.
More thoughts keep coming to me as I dwell on this... Maybe humility is in part realizing and accepting that we don't deserve what we have and God deserves more than we can give Him. Truly humbling ourselves before God requires a tear down of ourselves, making ourselves nothing and believing that without God we have nothing and we owe Him everything already. A true understanding of that can make doing things for Him humbly all the more selfless.
I wish I could just get what I want. I wish I could get my heart where I want it to be: truly selfless. True humbleness will never come I fear to anyone on this earth, but we definitely can hope to improve a lot. But it will take my heart some time, some trials and tests and failures and sacrifices before I get there.

Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honour humility.
Proverbs 18:12

It is better to be humble in spirit with the lowly than to divide the spoil with the proud.
Proverbs 16:19

Getting thin (metaphorically)

So has there ever been anything down in the deepest depths of your soul that you wanted. Like being physically fit perhaps (whatever level that may be). We all really want it, and at certain points when we are serious we look at what we have to offer and are willing to compromise to make that want become a reality (in this case, sacrificing time to workout or food to eat healthy).

But we all have those other days. Those days where all we can think about is that huge piece of cheesecake in the freezer, or that awesome movie you want to watch (which happens to be at the time you normally exercise). What do you do? You do what all humans by nature do: eat the cheesecake and watch the movie. You know deep inside you want to be thinner or stronger, but right now that doesn't matter because the [insert favorite junk food here] just smells and tastes so good, and that movie is just too good to be postponed until later.

There's something like that going on in my life. Let's just say I have my own desire to be thinner (so to speak) and my own cheesecake in the way, just for symbolism's sake. How do I stop it? Do I find more desire? Do I take away the cheesecake altogether (which in my case is almost impossible)? Or something else? You guessed it, it's something else...

They say that when you eat no artificial sugar, natural sugars in fruits are twice as sweet. So if I could stop myself from eating cheesecake and other sweets, good foods would begin to taste just as good or better. I would be a lot more healthy (remember, symbolism here). If I went back to junk food after a long period of withdrawal, it would taste a lot worse. Soda would be syrupy and a lot of sugary foods would be just too much, naturally. The habit builds itself a defense system.

So basically, if I can keep the habit up I've got my answer. If that doesn't work, some would suggest reminding yourself how fat you will be or are if you continue to eat badly. I prefer to look ahead, showing myself what things will be like if I stop, and rather than depress me instead motivate and encourage me to move toward a goal I can envision and one that I truly have a desire and a commitment to make reality.

Never Enough

We never have enough time in the day to do what we wish we could. Take my story for example, the one I'm writing that I've been writing for say a year on and off. But I have a whole Friday to work on it, sure as anything I could complete it by today, and I still have quite a ways to go just in finishing the writing (and then comes editing and editing and more editing). But what makes it so long is that fact that it's a choose your own adventure story, for every page there is a choice, and for every choice there is another path. So once I'm done all the editing, I've still got to interconnect all these pieces to make my web of chains and chains of events and events of endings. But yeah, you get the point. Basically, it's a lot of work. And maybe if I was committed to sitting down for a full day to do nothing but eat, use the bathroom, and write I could get it done. But so far there are just too many other distractions and things that need doing that I can't.
And the same goes for us as sinners (myself especially). We can try and try to be committed to being righteous and following the right ways, but there's just too much going against us and by default we will never be perfect. We aren't good enough to get into heaven because we were born to sin, just like I was born to be distracted from work by mindless things, even work I'm motivated to do such as my writing. Same idea. We can be so motivated to doing the right thing, but the next thing we know we're back in the slump of sin, doing mindless things we thought we'd steer clear from.

Some people might say "I will never be perfect, so why even try? I may as well not even aim to be good. It's not worth it." This is like saying "I'll never be able to sit down and write for a whole day straight without distractions, so why even bother trying to write the book?" What would that mean if every author said that? No amazing titles like Worldly Philosophers, Jude the Obscure, or How Democratic Is The American Constitution? would have been produced. What a shame that would have been...

I choose to believe that striving to be pure and holy as Christ encourages produces good things on earth and stores treasures we will one day reap in heaven. Like my book for example, which may not be completed tomorrow or even this weekend (sadly) but will someday be completed and it will be awesome, guaranteed.

Endurance

You're running, you've been running hard for quite awhile. You're exhausted. You see a hill. You have two choices:

A. Take it slow
B. Push harder

Of course, you could just stay at the same pace, but let's assume you're looking to change your pace in hopes things might go better on this tough ascent. Let's take choice A. You take the jog slower, since the hill is tougher. You aren't suffering as much, but you're suffering it longer.
Ok, now choice B. You push harder up the hill, thus killing yourself more but in the process ascending the hill quicker and cutting your amount of pain time to a minimum. Take your pick.


It's kinda like the jellyfish man-o-war situation. Getting stung by a jellyfish they say is less painful, but the sting lasts longer. Man-o-wars tend to hurt more initially, but the sting subsides a lot quicker. So which one is better?

Back to the running idea, I used to pick choice A, both when actually running and with many of my other problems. I'd take it slow and easy, hoping in time the problem would pass. If I didn't have to face the brunt of the problem, I didn't care how long it took to finish it. Back then I was convinced it worked, but now the more I look at it (both my life and my running times) I realize that I was slowing myself up. I didn't take charge, I didn't face the problem head on, I didn't tackle it from the beginning. However much I hate to admit it, though the initial problem might be hard to face or conquer, the lasting consequences of diving into the conflict rather than riding it out really turn out better. The pain I feel from unsolved matters and unfixed relationships can not be compared to the nonexistent pain from solved conflicts I tackled on the spot.

When I run full speed up a hill, sometimes I trip and fall and it hurts even more. We can expect to be successful after every run. But the great thing is that we get better and more conditioned for it the more we do it. You can't however get conditioned by taking things slow. You never learn when you never fall, and you can't grow without pain and challenge.

I'm running the triathlon in two and 1/2 months. I'm excited. I did it last year and it was quite an amazing feeling. But I won't be able to do it if I continue to choose the slow strategy when I go up those hills, whether on bike or running. I have to push forward and suffer the pain now to build the endurance to keep me going when things get tough.

Eying or Eyeing?

Both words 'eyeing' and 'eying' are accepted by dictionary.com and Microsoft Word, however here it says that eyeing is wrong. Interesting. As with most things, I hate not having a definite answer. It messes me up. How can I write my story with two ways to spell the same word? I don't mind two synonyms, but that's different than two spellings. Oh, right, forgot to mention my story. I'm writing a Star Wars themed "choose your own adventure" story, which coincidently has a ton of different choices that affect the course of the story. However, choices are only good if they clearly have two different outcomes. Having one word that by choice can be spelled two different ways is driving me insane. Maybe it's just me...

Mercy and grace

Perhaps a month or two ago I heard my Pastor in youth group mention the difference between mercy and grace. "Mercy" he said "is something we get that we deserve or expect. Grace is something we get that we don't deserve." I tried at that moment to picture a judge in court giving a sentence to a prisoner who was convicted of first degree murder. Normally a judge is considered merciful for sentencing the man to a lifetime in prison rather than capital punishment. Firstly I ask myself if he got what he deserved, and I believe so. A lifetime in prison, never to go out and experience the joys of the world is punishment enough. However, I also ask myself what grace would be in that situation. Absolute freedom, no punishment at all. 'What?' we ask ourselves. 'He deserves to be punished; he deserves to learn a lesson for what he did!' Yeah I agree. But it's the same thing with us.
We murder through our hate, commit adultery through our lust, steal, lie, cheat, shout profanities, and think terrible thoughts. And if God were merciful, he would sentence us all to a lifetime in Hell, away from the joy of experiencing Him in all of His wonder. We deserve it. But He chose grace. He paid our punishment through Jesus so we could get off Scott free. We may not think it's fair, and it isn't. But He loved us enough to be unfair.
I remind myself of that truth everytime I mess up, because every time I wonder why God let's all this great stuff happen in my life despite how horrible I have been and how much I have done wrong. This thought that I can't understand keeps me going. More

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. -Relient K

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not
without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the
grace of God that was with me. 
1 Corinthians 15:10  

Signs

Before, during, and after I do something wrong, I see a number of things that remind me of what I'm about to do, what I'm doing, and what I did. Well, I messed up again tonight. But I was watching The Departed after I had fallen, and that verse I posted yesterday speaking of pride, that verse was quoted in the movie. Despite the fact that the movie had more f words in it than all other movies I've ever seen combined, I think that was God's purpose to place that line there. It reminded me of what I had done, and is just another indication for me that God is there. I'm confident when I need intervention during times of trouble, God will be there to intervene and help me through it.

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Confidence: Striking a Medium

Everything has its extremes. Take weight lifting. You lift next to no weight, you gain no muscle. You lift too much weight, you blow your muscles. Either way, the extremes bring little to no productivity in what you do, thus you look for a medium weight that fits just right. Sort of like the "3 Little Bears" idea, except more applicable. Think about this in terms of messing up. I've messed up, in fact I messed up real bad today. And this happened mainly because of extremes, extremes in my level of confidence about where I am.
I love to compare. I look at others to rank myself probably more times than I can count in a day, however subtly it may be. And most of the time, I rank myself pretty high on the list in comparison. Whether it be a certain talent, intelligence, wisdom, or maturity, I in my mind think I'm better. This boosts my confidence. While confidence isn't a bad thing, pride certainly is, and it blinded me to my own problems. I forgot that I was just as vulnerable to mess up as everyone else, and I let my guard down to temptation. And I got hit hard. But the same can happen the other way so it seems.
Imagine your in the same situation, comparing yourself with everyone else, except now you realized you've messed up. You see everyone else's shining faces and think how horrible you are. So you ask yourself "Why should I even try?" and you give up. Same results.

What do we need? Find a medium between the two. Don't be discouraged by sin, but don't live thinking you'll ever be good enough to avoid it yourself.

Galatians 6:9
So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.

Proverbs 16:18
Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.