Complaints, complaints

I get tired of hearing people complain about things so much. Life stinks, we all know that. No use throwing out repetitious groans, moans, and grudges because life has been hard to you. Life is hard for everyone, if somebody says life is easy they're either a. lying, b. really happy (a temporary blindfold to the truth), or c. selling something (lying). But seriously, life is hard sometimes and yesterday it was hard for me.
This is not the "I broke up with my girlfriend" hard, nor is it the "Someone close is really sick right now" hard. It's just one of those "I wish I could have" days. I kept thinking to myself all day as the hours went by that I had my a bad choice for time management.
So I'm booked to the brim with stuff this next week. Big service next Sunday, two projects due this week, music solo Friday, work Saturday and tomorrow, AP exams starting next week... So yesterday I was tired and knew my week was going to be up to the brim in stuff and I wouldn't have much time (don't ask why I'm sitting here now writing this instead of working, I have no answer that's not a lie or an insult to myself). That day I had church and then I could either go to a friends house for the whole afternoon before a concert (Toby Mac) at 7pm or go home. I chose, for reasons I regret now, to go to a friend's house.
The problem with this choice is I didn't really do much of anything. I kept complaining in my head about how much time I was wasting not having enough fun when I could have been doing work I desperately needed to get started. And we left for the concert (that opens doors at 6:30), at 3:30, arriving at 3:50 in line for seats... Yeah, I know... Now, a friend of mine who got there maybe 20 mins b4 the concert started got seats just to our left (not farther back, just to the left). I wouldn't have minded standing at the concert if it meant not standing for 2 hours outside the church beforehand... But people who wasted an hour and 40 minutes less got almost equal seating. That I would have taken in an instant over what we did.
So you can see where my head was that whole night. I complained in my head and I even complained to some people about it, not really complaining, just stating my grievances.
But the truth is, the concert was great. I wasn't dead tired (ok, maybe I was). But I've managed to survive the day after and looking at the schedule, it doesn't seem quite as bad as it did before. Now I'm complaining about my complaints, not because I think I made the right choice about my afternoon, but because I failed to look on the bright side and because I made my night a lot more negative than it should have been. So my two cents: quit complaining, everything will work out.

It smells so sweet outside today. The sun smiles down, I'm in the shade. I sit and think about all my friends and how good they are. But when today is yesterday, I know that things won't stay the same. But I know that the memories won't go too far. Round and round the world will turn. Lessons taught and lessons learned. Jesus gets us through the good and bad times. And lets us know that everything will be just fine. A year's passed since I wrote this song. A lot's gone right a lot's gone wrong. But I know that Jesus has been there right by my side. And I see the sun still shines. It shines outside and in my life, and I know that everything is gonna be just fine. -Relient K

Love

My last post was garbled, unorganized, not altogether and probably didn't communicate quite what I wanted to say, so I deleted it. I thought about the topic a bit more over course of these last two days, and here's what I've got to say...

Love is complicated and hard to define. It can be the most destructive or most life giving of all emotions. God intended love to be awesome, deep, and multi-dimensional. Question is at what point a person really loves someone.

First of all, I believe the source of love is God. If we don’t know God, we don’t know what true love is. (Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8) God’s love is too vast and too complicated to understand, because there is no logical, rational reason for him choosing to love us. But he does. So God’s love was choice. And because God created love, I believe our love for Him and for others is choice.

Love isn’t selfish and isn’t self gratifying. The world wants to believe that love comes from in the mind, that it can come sporadically, and that it comes uncontrollably without any effort on our part. That is the idea of “falling in love”. The truth is that love of all kinds comes through choice. It may be easier to love certain people because of attraction, but we still have to make the effort.

I think Charles Creech summed it up pretty well:

“True love is the process of extending yourself to others. The world’s love is the process of selfishly extracting the things from others it believes will make it happy. Degrees of love are based on different levels of giving yourself to others within the proper boundaries. Degrees of love are not based on different levels of intense emotion. The world believes that one can “fall in love”. However, God has commanded us to love and we cannot just helplessly fall into His will. There are individuals that provide a greater source of external motivation for us to love them, but we must still make the choice to love within the bounds of truth. The truth is that we are to love even our enemies, the people that hate us and use us.”

I believe love at first sight might just be a thing of this world. God may show us who he intends for us to spend our lives with, but the attraction (even if strong) is not yet love. Love itself takes time, energy, and work to (if not create and secure itself) maintain. That I can and will stand to, for in this sinful world nothing is perfect, not even the deepest love between two people.

Love is by far the strongest, most powerful of all feelings when at its highest intensity. If we misperceive love, it can lead us down a path where we will most likely fall and fall hard. If we treat love as an attraction or desire, and work to feed it to ourselves, nothing good will come of it, for that’s not how God intended it. We should feed ourselves with God’s love, and then give that love to others.

Unfortunately for those who like things concrete and simple, love is not one of those things. For God is indefinable, and God is love. God’s love for us is inexplicable and deeper than we can fathom. And it’s this love that we seek to receive and hopefully seek to give. While our love is not nearly as vast or complex as His, it certainly is still too complicated for us to fully explain or comprehend. Like God, the mystery and complexity is part of what makes it so great.

Drained

I'm depleted, wiped, spent, hacked, effete, dead, bleary, exhausted.

Looking for more than thought in this post? Here you go: There's a point at which one spends too much time doing stuff and little to no time just chilling and relaxing. My advice: don't reach that point, EVER. I haven't hit that point yet, but it feels like it. Here's what I've got going against me:

-Triathlon Training
-NYSSMA Music Solo
-AP Government/AP Macroeconomics/AP English Literature/Calculus/Physics @ school
-Work @ A&P 3 days a week
-Band/Chorus
-Youth Band
-College Stuff
+ whatever other things are going on at any given time

People ask me how I do it, I tell them I know not either, I just do. I don't question it. It's worked so far (and all without a license). ;)

And I'm not complaining. This has been my most productive year and... I umm... I...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Well...

I knew exactly what I would post if I passed. But I didn't. So here goes.

I get so caught up in the "I failed, I'm a loser, I'm so stupid" deal. At least that's what goes on in my head when I mess up. And it may be true, but it's not helping anything, it only makes things worse. Take this test for example. What did I lose by failing? A day or worry (the worst part), less than two hours time, and a month more before I can drive on my own (which I doubt I'll be doing much of anyway). But no, my mind can't focus on that. It compares and complains and throws insults at itself, saying how easily I could have passed had I not made that one stupid mistake (which I will forever consider extremely stupid). Whatever, I can deal with it till that goes away.

I do however need to start to learn to have a positive attitude about things. It's easy for me to tell others when they get mad or upset to just chill and think positively. But, at the same time, I can't many a time. Just something I'll have to keep at.

Oh yeah, and I didn't mention the second worst thing about this test. Telling everyone that I told I was taking it to that I failed. That should be fun...

Worry

Here's the cycle:
1. Something is coming that gets me nervous
2. I get anxious the day of the event and every time I think about it before hand
3. It comes and I'm freaking out
4. It happens and I'm calm and fine thinking It was stupid to worry about this

Well, despite how much the cycle happens, I never learn from it and it never changes. And here I have yet another obstacle in my life, the road test. And though the world isn't hanging in the balance, and nothing big is on the line should I fail, I (being less than 2 1/2 hours away from the test) am a nervous wreck.

I should realize that once I'm through, I'll realize how not so bad this all was, whether or not I pass. Just like my flu shot. I always think my shots are going to hurt so bad, yet every single time after I get them done the worry was all for nothing. I realize that's it's just natural for me, that's the way my mind works, but I thought about what Jesus said about worry.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:27

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

If only my mind could take that to heart. I'll definitely be posting again once this is over, success or failure... *sigh*

Wouldn't You Know

Our unofficial youth pastor candidate gave a sermon on trust today. Cool how God works isn't it?

Trust

It's one of the qualities I value most and look for most in others. If I can trust them, I'm comfortable with them and things go smoothly. On a deeper level, I can trust people with my inner thoughts I don't wish to share with just anyone, and those I truly trust I know I can lean on and look to when I fall.

I trust my friends somewhat, I trust my close friends a lot, and I trust my family a lot. I trust God, but probably not as much as I should. This is ridiculous when I think about it, because God is more loyal than all my friends and family could ever be combined. He's there for me when I need it most, even when I don't deserve it, time and again. And yet, I seem to put my trust on hold when He asks to me to step into the unknown.

Maybe that's where my relationship has gone wrong. You see, I've felt this void between God and me that others seem to have filled. At worship, many seem so intensely focused on the words and so connected with God. Me, I try, I ask God, I look to be connected, but I end up just singing through the songs, and I don't get much more out of it than the energy or sound of the music. That bothers me.

Also, I seem to get so caught up in the "performing" of music and the "art" of prayer, that I really think I lose it for myself. I don't feel like I think I should when I'm praying and worshiping, or rather leading worship. I hear testimonies from others, even from my best friend at a major church rally about how God felt so close, how tears came down his eyes because of the change and the connection that he felt. Just one, just once I want to cry because of my relationship with God. Just once.

Maybe it's just my personality, maybe I'm over analyzing it. I love God, I know that, and I know deep in my heart that God loves me more than I could ever imagine. But just read one of my posts earlier about how false I see myself or how false I feel and in that lies the problem.

Perhaps more trust in is order. Trust to let God take control. Trust that God with find me and connect with me if I just let go and seek Him. Trust that my prayers will come out from the heart and not the mind of someone who doesn't want to mess up. Trust that when I sing both in youth group and in big church that it's not just for the singing or the compliments, but that the song and words are for an audience of One.

Perhaps I also need to be in the Word, and trust that more of what God says will bring my relationship closer and closer with Him. It's a tough fight, and it's been one I've seen and ignored time and again. It's time to stop ignoring my void, my distance from my Saviour. Stop ignoring it and start filling it with trust.

Counting it down

I wonder sometimes if God speeds up time for those who don't look at their watches, and slows down time for those that do. Better yet, I wonder if He speeds up time at home when work is coming and slows down time during work. Truth is, I thinks it's all perception. But I'm skipping around the point. When I focus so much on how the time is going and thinking about the time itself, I lose the whole point of time, which is to make use of it and do something worthwhile.

I'm a horrible procrastinator, and I think my perception of time has something to do with it. I look at how long I have until a project is due, and I think I have plenty of time and convince myself I can do it later. While that may be true in some cases, I end up convincing myself of that in the cases where it is not true as well. And it's because I'm looking at the time so much, analyzing it, making generalizations and measurements and choices based on time. And it's not productive.

What I need to do is just go and do and not be so much of a time analyst. Of course I'm not saying I shouldn't be time conscious, I'm just saying I should not have to convince myself to do or not do something based on the time. If it's important and it needs doing, it just should be done. And when I'm bored, there's probably something productive I could be doing, I'm just missing it or not motivated to do it unfortunately.

I'm afraid if just in simple habits and homework I become used to procrastinating, it might become the same with more important things, like relationships, or my walk with God or my job or something. I'll just tell myself I can do it later, I have all the time I need. Or later I'll find I have no time and I have to push everything else aside to do what I think is most important. I don't want that. I want to be an effective and efficient user of time, without having to constantly "watch my watch" so to speak. And I'll push hard for that to happen.

Easter = Amazing

So great, so powerful, and yet (like Christmas) so watered down. Commercialized is more the word. Easter is no longer about Jesus dying for us and rising from the dead, it's about the bunny, about candy, about hunts, about colored eggs, about anything but what it signifies. For others who think they've got the idea it's about who looks the best going to church for the first of two "required" times during the year, or about the performance on stage or in the pew, about who can smile the widest and give others the warmest welcome. We're not in church to impress anyone but God. If what we're doing isn't from the heart, is it isn't real.
Maybe it's just me, but I think we live in a world of fakes, myself probably one of the biggest ones. We may sing the words and think we've got it all together, but really there's nothing there, no truth within our hearts, no life within our soul. Relient K has hit me again with the lyrics that state:

"You can't see past the blood on my hands to see that you've been aptly damned to fail and fail again, 'cus we're all guilty of the same things. We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through."

The next part is crucial:

"And I know that I have been forgiven"

That's it, that's the key. That's what Easter is all about. Not about all the commercialization that the world creates, neither about the competition for looking or being the best on Sunday. It's all about the fact that Jesus died an unimaginably painful death for us to take our punishment that we deserve, when He in is perfect and all powerful self could have chosen not to. As Casting Crowns put it

"How refreshing to know You don't need me, how amazing to find that You want me."


I've come to appreciate what Jesus did all the more this year, realizing in full the magnitude of what He did, why He did it, and how much it means. It's a great feeling to know that I live for a God who chose to die in my place, a God who "took the bullet" for me. Amazing...

Oh yeah, and He's not dead. He's risen. He's alive. Amen to that.

Rend, Repair, Repeat (My Life Story)

Relient K lyrics have shaped my life since I first started listening. In tribute, I put together a little poem (of sorts) using strictly and word for word lyrics from their songs:

I feel like I was born to devastation and reform;

A road down which I swore I'd never go

And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
It seems this curse just can't be lifted.

And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because

I gotta get outta here. I’m begging You to be my escape.

I just want to get mugged at knifepoint; to get cut enough to wake me up.
I know that I don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by.

Cause I've got enough problems without creating more.

All of my mistakes keep me awake at night.

I got to get away, get away from all of my mistakes,

Cause I so hate consequences.

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back.

I messed everything up.

Every trace of momentum is gone

And this isn’t turning out the way I want.

All of my escapes have been exhausted.
I thought I had a way but then I lost it.
My resistance was once much stronger.
I know I can't go on like this much longer.

I'm jumping off a cliff knowing that you'll save me.

Sometimes we live for no one but ourselves.

Explore the cave that is my chest,
A torch reveals there's nothing left.

The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black,
Wade through the depths and bring me back”.

I need you.
I need you here,
I need you now.

I need you like you would not believe.
You're the only thing I want

‘Cause you're everything I need

to keep my head on straight.

I have not been abandoned. No, I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten.

Deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not lose hope.

You promise me that You believe

In time I will defeat this,

‘Cause failure is a blessing in disguise.

Somewhere in me there is strength.

I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat.

Somewhere in me there is strength.

Never underestimate my Jesus.

I know that I have been forgiven;

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

I pull my heart out, reconstruct.

To go back where I was would just be wrong;
I'm pressing on.

This is how I choose to live

What we take from this is what we'll get

And we haven't quite figured it out just yet
Because all of us are all too stuck
Strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up

And you can't see past the blood on my hands

To see that you’ve been aptly damned
To fail and fail again.

Being apathetic's a pathetic way to be.

The truth is excuses are lame.

We’re all guilty of the same things
We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through.

The end will be the end of things
And our hearts are all we get to bring

So let's go ahead and make them worth something

Amen...

Bowling

Bowling is a game of consistency. If one person, after getting a strike, could just throw the same way again and again, they'd have a perfect score every game. It seems so simple, almost like a choice rather than skill or just luck.
But it's not that simple. There's the speed, the timing, the step, the release. All these things have to be perfect in order to bowl the same way, and that's hard. Factors change such as arm strength, finger flexibility and slickness, maybe even some missteps here and there. Even for a perfect game, the bowler hasn't thrown exactly perfectly the same way each time.
My perfect game each time is beating my top score (which currently stands at 157). Today I played two games, and couldn't even pass 100. I got two marks the entire two games I played. I got a strike my second frame, but after that I was shooting 9's, 8's, and below. It depressed me, but I was determined to do better my second game.
Of course, my second game was pretty terrible as well, and I ended up pretty much giving up at the end. Over and over in my head I kept saying Just bowl like you use to, choose to bowl accurately and strongly. And every time I got up I'd mess up, and fall short of the mark. Trying to rationalize this in my head, I'd keep believing I could come next time around. But I'd keep failing.
I can stand to be in the midst of people better than me, people beating me, even people mocking me for my score. What I can't take is trying my hardest at something and not being able to do better than or close to my personal best. I didn't come close, and I hated that.
But how do I battle that? How do I battle any problems I face that, after trying as hard as I can again and again I keep failing at? The reality is, I'm never going to be perfect, just like I probably won't ever get a perfect game (if I even get past 157 someday!). But does that stop me from bowling again? No at all, I come back just as motivated to beat my score the next time I bowl. The reality of failure shouldn't goad us into giving up and not trying anymore. We have to keep on keeping on, as God intended us to. And when we ask for His help, He'll always be there to straighten our stance and help us aim towards the center.

Sticky situations

Because of our inability to be open, tell the truth, and accept the truth, relationships get messy. And I'm not talking just romantic ones, but all levels, from the intimate to the casual. People need to be open and be able to speak their minds, and the receivers need to be receptive and understanding.
So take a relationship between two friends, a guy and a girl. Perhaps the girl likes the guy, but the guy (whether or not he has feelings) chooses to remain casual and friendly for now. Without saying anything, the girl slowly begins to talk less and less to this guy she once liked because she assumes he doesn't feel anything for her. The guy chooses not to ask her why she talks less and less to him. The relationship goes from a great friendship to a deflated one, and the guy is left wondering what has happened.
If there was communication (verbal I mean), the situation would be clear, things would be out in the open, and whatever the outcome, things would be cool. But it being months later, the wall of silence has been built of so high and strong that an attempt to communicate on a real level would be incredibly awkward and hard to reach. If it was reached, the stakes could result in collapse, making things even worse than they had been.
This is all because people can't communicate, and it bugs me. I myself have a hard time forming a comprehensible sentence off of paper, and sometimes I have serious problems being comfortable around and conversing with people, even those I know well. So this frustration is aimed at myself above all else.
I am the guy in that situation, figuratively and in a sense physically, but I won't go into details. It's a sticky situation, one that sometimes seems so simple to solve, but other times seems like an impossible wall for me to climb. And it gets higher and higher everyday...

I'd better rest my eyes
Cuz I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say

Thought things would turn out so well
But I'm beginning to see
That instead it's trouble
Into a pattern we fell
Of prolonging the inevitable

Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear

I gotta check my pride
Because I was starting to think
I was starting something good
I couldn't start it this way
I was sinking in retrospect
And understanding that I misunderstood
I'd like to make up your mind
And then this decision locks up
So tight it couldn't be touched
Thought you were being so kind
But keeping your mouth sealed shut
Rather than just opening it up

Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear

And I tried
To guess what goes on in your head
Cuz in your mind
I just might find
All those things you left unsaid
And I'll try to maybe not regret anything
Later on after I'm gone
You'll wish that you
Had listened to me (listened to me)

Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are gonna hurt
We're better off this way
Why don't you
Come right out and say come right out and say
What I know you're thinking anyway
Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
And just what it is you're thinking

Come Right Out And Say It- Relient K