The Constant Battle

I realize it's a constant battle to keep myself focused and productive, and I realize I've been failing in this battle for the past few weeks. It's been the most evident this weekend on Fall Break, where, with all the time in the world at home during this Monday, I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything. And it's been that way for quite awhile.

Funny thing is how the battle keeps going even when I don't realize there's a war at all. Actually, I figure the times I'm losing are when I can't even see the enemy, or see a reason to fight. I become numb to the routine of just "getting by" in school (i.e. doing things at the last minute and not devoting enough time to work) and focusing so much on fun (i.e. games and more games of all sorts). It seems like so much fun, but this fun is clouding my vision as it's slowly bringing about my demise. It's destroying my potential as a student and my relationships with God and my family and friends. It may be bringing short term pleasure, but I constantly need more to keep me going and my day becomes based on how much fun I had. Basically, I'm losing the joys of life that God intended to be the focus.

I don't know how to elaborate on this anymore, and I've probably talked about this problem numerous times in past blogs. But, as I emphasize, it's a constant battle, one that I will never win until it's over and hopefully will never have to admit defeat.

What Now?

I'm not sure whether to consider this a good thing or not. The few days before I got home for Fall Break, I was extremely excited and ready to spend some time at home and everything. I couldn't wait to take a break from college life and I was looking forward to all the things I would do. Well, here it is, 4:30 Monday morning, the last day of my break, and I've got nothing to do. In fact, I didn't have much to do this whole weekend, if you don't count singing in church on Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I really loved coming back to see my parents and church family. But it was a much dryer return than I had originally pictured it would be.

I know partly this is due to the fact that all my friends are away at college right now so there's nobody to go see. But regardless, I'm not really sure what to think about all this. On the one hand, perhaps it's a bad thing that home is not as exciting as I'd hoped it to be. However, maybe it's a great thing that I'm anticipating my return to college. Maybe it's good that I enjoy college as much as I do, as I'll be spending a lot of my time there. I guess I'm content with my Fall Break, if not for the people I got to see and the sleep I caught up on, then for the realization it gave me about my enjoyment of college thus far.