What Now?

I'm not sure whether to consider this a good thing or not. The few days before I got home for Fall Break, I was extremely excited and ready to spend some time at home and everything. I couldn't wait to take a break from college life and I was looking forward to all the things I would do. Well, here it is, 4:30 Monday morning, the last day of my break, and I've got nothing to do. In fact, I didn't have much to do this whole weekend, if you don't count singing in church on Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I really loved coming back to see my parents and church family. But it was a much dryer return than I had originally pictured it would be.

I know partly this is due to the fact that all my friends are away at college right now so there's nobody to go see. But regardless, I'm not really sure what to think about all this. On the one hand, perhaps it's a bad thing that home is not as exciting as I'd hoped it to be. However, maybe it's a great thing that I'm anticipating my return to college. Maybe it's good that I enjoy college as much as I do, as I'll be spending a lot of my time there. I guess I'm content with my Fall Break, if not for the people I got to see and the sleep I caught up on, then for the realization it gave me about my enjoyment of college thus far.

What do we put first?

If you know anything about the world of video games, you'll know that Halo 3 was released Monday night 12:01am at stores nationwide for the mad rush of people to go and buy and stay up all hours of the night playing. I am happy to say I wasn't one of those people, though I did join in later in the day Tuesday for some 4 player co-op and LAN multiplayer action. The game had record breaking first day sales with I believe over 2 million pre-ordered copies already before the night of release. The numbers are staggering to think about.

After seeing the passion with which these people talked about the game before it came out, went to all lengths to get the game (standing in line for hours at Gamestop/Best Buy/Wal-Mart), and stayed up all night to play it, it makes me wonder what they really put first.

I find it hard to put God first sometimes. I'll say I love Him, I'll say He's more important to me than anything, I'll talk the talk, and everything... but I still question if I'm really putting Him first. I mean, I don't even spend 10 minutes everyday with Him outside of prayer. I haven't kept a consistent Bible Study. It seems many times I go to Him or refer to Him only when I have some need or problem, like God is only there to work for me and give me stuff. I get concerned about myself and I work to try and fix my attitude and question my heart.

And then I look at these people, whose lives at some times seem to revolve around fun and games and pleasure of that nature. They may kid about being obsessed, but I don't because I take it seriously sometimes. I think it goes without saying that where we put our time is where our hearts are. Sometimes when I've spent way too much time doing something very selfish or wasteful, I say to myself "well, I know I would give it up if I had to for something more important. I'd give up all video games in a heartbeat for God." Thing is, since I don't have to, I don't ever, and these desires of mine always take precedence.

Maybe this doesn't apply to you, but I can guarantee that if I asked my group friends two nights ago to, after purchasing the game, come back and do a 10 minute devotion or prayer beforehand to show that God is more important than a game, they would look at me like I was crazy. It's a sad reality, but it's true nonetheless. And it's not something we can go around condemning of other people either, it's a realization that comes from within each person. I've realized it, and I'm committed to putting God first above all my other desires, a commitment I know I'll have to repeat over and over each day for the rest of my life as I work to put God in control of my life.

Changes

Despite the fact I've been in college for about 3 1/2 to 4 weeks, I have yet to really blog about the changes and the transition that has taken place in my life. So I shall...

I'd like to say I didn't expect any of what has happened, but I'd be lying a whole lot to myself and to everyone else if I said that. I expected the Christian atmosphere, the great friendships to come, the tough classes (Calculus II) and the real easy ones (Learning+Transition), and the more relaxed yet more efficient schedule and framework of classes. Those things I expected and eagerly awaited before I came here.

But, as with everything, there were plenty of surprises; the largest one being how well I've managed at being on my own and taking care of my own responsibilities in and out of the dorm. I was probably more nervous about this aspect than anything else about college as it approached. And now, not a month later, it's like second nature. Marching band has also been a lot different and a lot more challenging than I expected, but I am really glad (so far) that I have joined, though our band has yet to march for an audience.

The spread of diversity on campus is something that also truly caught my attention. And I'm not talking about race, though there certainly are many different ethnicities. Spiritually, people are at all different walks with God. I see many strong Christians, but I also see many who look almost as distant from God as people from my high-school. I guess I should have expected that not everyone here would have a true relationship with Christ, but perhaps I wished that was the case. It opens up the mission field not just to the community surrounding the campus, but to the campus itself. It is encouraging to know there are people struggling as I am, there are strong people that can help build us up, and there are also weaker people who I myself have the ability to encourage and aid.

Honestly, I'm very grateful I am where I am. At points there are bad influences and things I know I shouldn't be around, but I know it is nothing compared to what I would be faced with at your typical college. Certain things I've heard and discussed and been informed about have really opened up my eyes to what college could be like for me right now, and the vision is not a good one. Some would say not being around that stuff makes me ignorant, but honestly I'd rather be ignorant than getting into or being around something damaging. I'm beginning to realize more and more why God called me to Geneva, and it gets more clear everyday.

All in all, God has really blessed my time here thus far. I can't say that I've grown more in these few weeks than in my entire grade school education, but I can say I have definitely changed and learned a lot. I couldn't have asked for more from Geneva, or any other college for that matter. I think I'm going to like it here these next few years.

Oh yeah, and the food is quite good too. Imagine that. Well... most days that is.

Synergy

I don't know where the term began, but I do know that it now refers to two or more separate entities working together in unison and harmony for one single purpose or cause. Synergy creates and accomplishes what one entity by itself couldn't possibly do. It is the the power of teamwork.

Sometimes I wish that my mind, heart, and soul could somehow "synergize" perfectly. Imagine how great it would be to be thinking and focusing on something, to be passionate about it, and to know deep down that it is the right thing. Ever been so focused on one particular thing that every part of you just completely unleashes itself into its completion or undertaking?

No... I haven't either. Not yet anyways. There's always some part of me that disagrees or has second thought. If it's something good, it's the sin nature of my heart pulling me away. If it's something bad, it's my soul or mind telling me somewhere in the back that what I'm doing is wrong. But there's always that tension. The three parts of me never work in unison towards one direction, there's always some angle between them.

It reminds me of the four way tug of war we had at orientation. Each focus group (split by majors) was to take one of the sides of the rope which together formed a plus sign. In this version, there is only one winner, and that is whoever can pull the rope farthest back up their direction. My focus group (the engineer group) ended up winning, so that was a lot of fun.

The problem we encountered was when only three teams fit into a particular round. Instead of changing the angles to 120 degree spreads, the angles remained the same at 90. Of course this gave one team a completely unfair advantage being that they had nothing tugging against them. Everytime it occurred, the one team in the center would always pull the other two along with ease.

It seems like in the worst of situations my heart and my soul are going at it like that, straight across from each other evenly matched. When faced with a problem, I remain at a standstill until my mind steps in from an unfair point. It doesn't have trouble deciding what to do based on the circumstance because it meets no resistance from anything. The problem is that I end up going wherever my mind decides is right and best to go, and my mind is no more perfect then my heart or soul. Let's just say a majority of the time I make a hugely wrong decision.

I sometimes wonder if it's possible to be truly "synergetic". I think the goal is to aim to be truly focusing everything on God and furthering His kingdom. We all fall short, me especially, as parts of me start pulling in different directions. My only hope is that God will work through me to decrease the angles between my heart, soul, and mind that are pulling me in different directions and slowing me down.

The Omnipresence

Ever really sit and contemplate the idea of our omnipresent God? It's like trying to picture eternity, the vastness of space, or the beginning of time. It's so hard to imagine once you really try to wrap your mind around it. You can't really grasp the idea, but somehow that's OK. It's just awesome.

The change of being around other believers on a Christian college campus in a very spiritual atmosphere has made me really begin to feel this omnipresence of God. I see God in other people, I see God at work on the campus, and I see God in the faculty and staff. It's really changed me, and I've only been at college for 5 days...

But that's not even scratching the surface. God is actually sitting right beside me as I type this up. He's around my room, in my dorm, and all around the campus. He's even next to where you were at this time and He's there now as you're reading this. He's everywhere. And the sad thing is, despite the fact that God is always with me, I am not always with Him.

In fact, it's quite the opposite most of the time. I may acknowledge God at meals when I pray, thank Him when He helps me through something hard or stressful or thank Him for something great that just happened, But God is not generally on the top of my mind. He may be the top priority way down deep in my heart, but that hasn't reached my head yet. It bothers me to think that this amazing, all powerful, mighty, loving, merciful, friendly God is always with me, and I don't even acknowledge Him or think of Him for more than 5-10% of my day (or less).

I have to admit that God has been put on my mind more just because I'm surrounded by it on campus. But that only helps to a certain point. I need to... we all need to keep ourselves in communication with God. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to "pray continually". I mean, God is always there to talk to and be with us and guide us and help us, and all we have to do is look to Him.

I talk to my friends at Geneva a lot everyday. In fact, I'm largely in some type of conversation when not occupied with other things. I may not talk all that much compared to my friends, but I listen and talk and give my two cents. I figure our time is mostly spent doing and being with those we love most. So why is it that in conversation God, who should be our number one and may be in our hearts, He gets the short straw? He never is busy on the phone, He's never preoccupied with someone else, He's never needs to go anywhere, He doesn't live far away, and He's never unwilling to hear what you have to say. Why if He's always at any given time right where we need Him to be, do we not communicate and be in relationship with Him more? It shouldn't be the case that I put him last, and I mean to fix that.

Perhaps it will be through a more consistent Bible study. Perhaps it will be through more prayer time. Perhaps it will be through more constant awareness of God's presence. Whatever it may be, I think it's important that the omnipresence of God is not just realized and revered, but acted upon and used to our advantage.

Mind's Eye

All the millions of little things I see that prove to me God's existence and presence in my life are hard to name as they come, and even harder to describe and recount. I get reminders through my thoughts, through the words of others, through the little pieces that fit together just too perfectly, through answered prayer, through blessings, and from the coincidences of unimaginable odds. The list stacks up, but it is an un-recitable list. I can't describe all these little things that happen, for most are personal things or things on the fly that I forget shortly after they happen. I steal from an old dc Talk song when I say that these things come from my "Mind's Eye". They aren't visible or describable, but they are there and they make sense. I see God through my Mind's Eye. Whenever I get a sliver of doubt about God in any form, I look everything I've seen for reassurance.

I believe this type of evidence is clear to believers and also to those who seek God and look for signs of His existence. They have an eye open for God to be seen through. But then I think about those who don't believe and aren't looking, and I wonder why it is shut. I can guess that they see the world through the scientific perspective, and that science disproves God. The idea of God is just some simplistic idea made up that explains everything and instills hope in people. Let me just ask, is the idea of God as phony and random as saying that we all have little invisible black hats (thank you Elijah) above our heads that created us and control us? No. There's evidence, fact, history, and account for the existence of God and the truth of the Bible.

I think the problem is not whether most people have in their minds or on paper disproved the Bible/Jesus' divinity/God's existence. I think the problem is that most have shut their mind's eye to it. It just isn't in option to think or look into the idea of "religion", for one reason or another. For some it may be just a mindset that God doesn't make sense/is too simple/is unlogical/is unscientific. They haven't disproved it through fact because they haven't looked at all the facts or because they have and they can't. They just refuse because something else makes more sense to them. That's fine I guess, although in my opinion from a scientific point of view, God makes much more sense than evolution, but we won't go there. I think for most though, people have trouble accepting the idea of God because if they accepted it, it would mean they were not in complete control of their own lives. Perhaps it scares many to think that if they ever really sought God their lives would take a turn, perhaps a 180 degree turn in the other direction.

Maybe it bothers me when people decide to debate undebatable faith issues, because when you boil it down, evolution, Christianity, and any other belief or theory one may have about life requires faith, because nobody can prove any of these black and white. But it concerns greatly me when people have personal issues with the idea of God, things keeping them from a relationship with Him. It's one thing to know the facts from both sides and to take one side when all is laid out. It's another for someone to reject the facts for one side simply because they couldn't personally accept the changes that would result from a change in belief. I've just come to a realization of this recently, and it's been on my mind ever since... I pray for those close to me that don't know Jesus, that they would open their mind's eye to the idea of God.

Everything is going right...

...and I don't know why. Why is God so good to me despite how messed up I've been? Too much has been going right for me to begin to say anything, so I'll spare all of us the time. I only hope this undeserving mess can turn himself around in the coming days in response.