More Than Thought

Simplification or Understatement?

2008-07-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

Some things in this world are too big, long, or complex to comprehend or see. So what do we do? We simplify, in order to come up with an explanation or in order to explain to those less informed or less inclined to learn. Simplification can be a great tool for and is in fact absolutely essential for communication, and also gives us basic comprehension of things we would otherwise be unable to explain. But I find there is a wide and brightly colored distinguishable line between simplification and understatement; a line that people see but cross over anyway.

When did humans become animals? When did all that were are, all that have become, all that we feel, create, do, and think about become just another organism bent on survival and a slave to instinct; another notch in the evolutionary chain (about a thousand notches above everyone else with nothing coming close to comparison...)? This is more than just an absurd oversimplification, it's an insult to humanity. Can't the complexity of people (all that we have become and all that we strive for and do) be enough to make us realize that we came from somewhere and are made from something more than animals?

When did this world, this earth, this solar system, this galaxy, this beautiful, functioning, and unimaginably complex universe we live in become just an accident? How did all this come from just a trillionth of a chance a billion years ago from matter that just inexplicably always was? How can we dumb down something so magnificent and brilliant to something so illogical and utterly depressing? Can't the complexity of this world be enough to make us realize that it came from somewhere and was made from something more than just chance?

When dealing with something as complex as this universe, or as complex as people, I prefer not to dumb it down. I'll leave it just as it is, irreducibly complex.

Be My Everything

2008-06-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Everything by Tim Hughes

So... you're working...

2008-05-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I am. First full time job, and it's quite exhausting. 7 hours a day doing grounds work at a camp of all sorts. I did about four hours of weedwacking earlier today and my hand is still shaking. On top of that, I'm training for a triathlon that's in less than 10 days, so in addition to work I'm doing an hour of running/biking etc. It's extremely tiring, and it's hard to get anything done in the hours when I'm home. I'm surprised I got myself to write this blog.

This job is one of those things that's a blessing in disguise. Last summer, I spent way too much time doing nothing, because A&P was only part time and I left about two weeks early for that. This summer, I've got my hands full making money at least, and hopefully doing a lot more on top of that. Also, I'm going to grow a lot this summer, in learning how to deal with the physical exhaustion and time constraints, and learning many things one the job. And I get to drive 4 wheelers and mowers around a lot. Who wouldn't want to do that. So, for this blessing I'm thankful, though I may not seem like it.

Ever present God

2008-04-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

The long intermission in posts has again been due to a mix of busyness and laziness, I admit. So, to whatever small audience of readers I may or may not have, I apologize.

I'm tempted to write another one of those "caught up in life" posts about how we can all get so caught up in life that we forget what's really important. Well, it's true, I can't emphasize enough how distracted I get. But I'll take it a step farther this time. I've pretty much dismissed God in most ways. drowning out his voice in my life except for little nudges here and there that I get from other people and things that happen around me. I've tried to convince myself that I've grown in tremendous ways at Geneva this year. It's true, I've matured in so many ways physically, mentally, and emotionally through all the circumstances I've been through already, and I've realized a lot about myself, which I won't begin to elaborate on. But, truthfully, I'd be fooling myself if I said I have grown closer to God. My relationship has been at a standstill, for the most part, relationally; perhaps in knowledge I have grown through my studies and in Bible class, but not relationally. I guess the problem is, I expected that being in a spiritual environment around Christian people would in effect draw me closer to my Savior. I wanted, like I always had been before, to be hand fed without any work on my part. This mindset has brought me to where I am today.

The fact that Godly stuff is going on around me doesn't do anything for me spiritually. I have to allow God to work through me and be willing to give my life to Him. God will work with the environment around me in response to my submission. But I need to surrender before anything can happen.

Despite all this, I've noticed, now that I look back, that God has been ever-present despite my distance from Him. I've felt Him there, calling for me to draw closer, but in my own selfishness I pushed Him aside. How awesome it is though, to know that my God is never going to stop calling out to me, no matter how far I may stray. By His amazing grace, He is always with me. I'm so grateful for that.

Now that I've realized how far I've strayed away, in these last weeks before finals (and during finals), I hope to come back and make Jesus my priority and my focus, despite all the busyness, as He sticks by my side.

Mess

2008-03-26T17:51:00.000-07:00

Take a jar, a piece of paper, a pencil, and some scissors. Write down something on that piece of paper: a line, a paragraph, an essay, but make it something that makes sense and means something. Maybe it took you seconds to think of, minutes, hours even to put it together, but its on paper now and its a coherent masterpiece. Now, take your scissors and cut out your writing into fragments, whether they be sentences, words, phrases, even letters, and collect the pieces. Put all the pieces in your jar, close the lid, and shake violently. Now open the jar and spread the contents out on the table face up. What do you have?

A mess.

What you have is a bunch of letters, words, or phrases that in their current form are utterly useless and incomprehensible but were once something coherent and practical. What you have is a depiction in the physical form of exactly what happens when I take something I have thought of in my head, or even written down in part, and try to communicate it verbally to someone, particularly a group of people. Call it a bodily reaction to public speaking or a minor form of autism. Whatever it is, I have it, and it's driving me insane.

I can't wait for my communications class next fall...

Conflicting Analogies

2008-03-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

I find it ironic that my blog pretty much died with the poem "Death be not proud". That might have been the saddest thing ever (I'm sure), but fortunately I don't plan on an end to this blog coming soon. The space between these posts has merely been a long interlude. For that, I apologize.

I remember writing numerous posts in the past about roller coasters. Roller coasters, I thought, were the perfect analogy to describe my life. In the midst of constant struggle, my life would either be on the upswing or the downswing; at the top of the incline awaiting the fall or in full descent awaiting the flat line. But now that I thing back on it, the whole analogy is in another respect totally and completely flawed.

A roller coaster is in its essence a vehicle. It moves you from one place to another. But unlike other vehicles, a roller coaster is uncontrollable. It doesn't have a steering wheel or a winch and doesn't give or turn when weight is shifted. Furthermore, it doesn't actually take you anywhere, it merely brings you back where you started or to an exit right next to where you originally got on. This creates a problem, because life is not a circle. However much someone may try to persuade you otherwise, life does not go from simplicity at birth to a climax at growth to simplicity at death. It is a journey (excuse the cliche).

Saying my life is a rollercoaster condemns my life to one in which I have no control, and in which I have no purpose. If my destination is right where I started, then there's no point in what I do in the middle of it anyway. If I can't change anything anyway, then the inclines and pitfalls are inevitable and I might as well just do whatever I feel like, because non of it changes anything. But this is far from the truth.

I've realized over this Easter that the life God has given us is what we make of it. Even if predestination is true in its fullest, nobody knows their destiny except for God, and thus all we can do is live our lives to the "fullest" in the eternal sense of the word. Despite what my mind tricks me into thinking or what others might say, there is so much good that I could be doing right now and so much stuff that I need to get right in the midst of where I am now. And nothing is going to happen if I'm on a roller coaster. What I need to do is get myself out of that ride, out of that theme park and into my car, where I can take those roads and hills head on with God in the driver's seat.

Death Be Not Proud

2008-02-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

John Donne
(1572-1631)

Time flies... always

2007-12-31T22:25:00.000-08:00

Doesn't matter if you're sitting in bed, watching TV, playing video games, in school, solving world hunger, or saving the world, time goes by fast. Sure, certain tough experiences and even some really good ones seem to go by slowly, however I can't avoid being cliche on this one: life is short. Just a second ago our friends came over for New Years Eve, a minute ago I woke up this morning, an hour ago I was in church, a day ago I was in college mid-semester, a week ago I was graduating, a month ago it was the millenium, a year ago I was born.

I've already spent a quarter of my life, and on what? Was it a good investment? It'd be so easy to pass this off as just another year, to dedicate my oh so many new year's resolutions that are deep down very shallow but for me, seemingly hard to accomplish. Perhaps the best thing I can do is not plan on doing this or not doing that... those resolutions never have worked and probably never will work on their own. There needs to be some realization, some deeper understanding and motivation underneath it all. My question to everyone is, what is that motivation?

I think one can take a lot from the cliches Time flies and Life is short. These phrases capture how rare time really is. If time is so rare (so quick and limited), that makes it all the more valuable. Just that sense of value should be enough to motivate us to spend it more wisely. It's like money. To rich people, money is abundant and they are careless with it. But to a poor man, money is a rarity and every penny is valuable.

We are all poor men when it comes to time. We can't possibly, no matter how much we try, get more of it than what we have. If you eat healthier and are safe, perhaps you will save a few years, but the fact remains that nobody in this day and age will live past 124 (unless you plan on setting a new record). The question is, how will you and I spend our time. Will we put value on it and use it wisely, or be thrifty and careless. I couldn't think of a better question to ask on new years.

The good, the bad, and the... not so bad

2007-12-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

Ever play the game "Fortunately, Unfortunately"? I think it also is called "Good news, bad news". Honestly I never have played it, and well, I'm not even quite sure it is a game, although I am sure it is some type of activity, perhaps a story or something if not a game. Anyway, the first part of this "game" is coming up with a situation; usually a very simple one. Let's say the situation is a guy flying a small airplane. The idea then is to come up with a series of unfortunate events (which I in no way intended to be a pun on the book or movie...), all the while stating in-between each the positive side or the "Fortunately". The progression of the story could go something like this.

A man is flying a small plane.
Unfortunately, he's in a warzone.
Fortunately, he is a skilled pilot.
Unfortunately, he is flying over enemy territory.
Fortunately, he is a civilian.
Unfortunately, the enemy doesn't care.
Fortunately, he is near the border.
Unfortunately, there's an enemy plane on his tail.
Fortunately, he has guns.
Unfortunately, they're in his pockets.
Fortunately, he is more maneuverable.
Unfortunately, his right wing is hit.
Fortunately, he has landing gear.
Unfortunately, it's meant for water landings.
Fortunately, he has a parachute.
Unfortunately, the ground is solid from the cold.
Fortunately, there's a haystack nearby.
Unfortunately, there's a pitchfork in the haystack.
Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork.
Unfortunately, he missed the haystack.

And so on, if one wished to continue going. But it related well to my situation right now, as I could go on and on about the bad things that have happened and the not so bad side of them, and vice versa. I could say my first semester of college had some pretty stupid classes that could've been much better and that I spent way too much time doing work in *COUGH* engineering *COUGH*. But at the same time, I did learn something from the class and I got an A in it (to my surprise). I could also say I that it's great that I have a lot of time on my hands now that winter break is here, but then again, my break won't mean anything unless I use that time for something effective. The question I have to ask my self is, do I have good news or bad news where I am right now? If the answer isn't good news, maybe I need to reprint the headlines with something different, i.e. work to get myself to where my life is a book full of good news and good news to come.

The Constant Battle

2007-10-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

I realize it's a constant battle to keep myself focused and productive, and I realize I've been failing in this battle for the past few weeks. It's been the most evident this weekend on Fall Break, where, with all the time in the world at home during this Monday, I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything. And it's been that way for quite awhile.

Funny thing is how the battle keeps going even when I don't realize there's a war at all. Actually, I figure the times I'm losing are when I can't even see the enemy, or see a reason to fight. I become numb to the routine of just "getting by" in school (i.e. doing things at the last minute and not devoting enough time to work) and focusing so much on fun (i.e. games and more games of all sorts). It seems like so much fun, but this fun is clouding my vision as it's slowly bringing about my demise. It's destroying my potential as a student and my relationships with God and my family and friends. It may be bringing short term pleasure, but I constantly need more to keep me going and my day becomes based on how much fun I had. Basically, I'm losing the joys of life that God intended to be the focus.

I don't know how to elaborate on this anymore, and I've probably talked about this problem numerous times in past blogs. But, as I emphasize, it's a constant battle, one that I will never win until it's over and hopefully will never have to admit defeat.

What Now?

2007-10-15T13:21:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure whether to consider this a good thing or not. The few days before I got home for Fall Break, I was extremely excited and ready to spend some time at home and everything. I couldn't wait to take a break from college life and I was looking forward to all the things I would do. Well, here it is, 4:30 Monday morning, the last day of my break, and I've got nothing to do. In fact, I didn't have much to do this whole weekend, if you don't count singing in church on Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I really loved coming back to see my parents and church family. But it was a much dryer return than I had originally pictured it would be.

I know partly this is due to the fact that all my friends are away at college right now so there's nobody to go see. But regardless, I'm not really sure what to think about all this. On the one hand, perhaps it's a bad thing that home is not as exciting as I'd hoped it to be. However, maybe it's a great thing that I'm anticipating my return to college. Maybe it's good that I enjoy college as much as I do, as I'll be spending a lot of my time there. I guess I'm content with my Fall Break, if not for the people I got to see and the sleep I caught up on, then for the realization it gave me about my enjoyment of college thus far.

What do we put first?

2007-09-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

If you know anything about the world of video games, you'll know that Halo 3 was released Monday night 12:01am at stores nationwide for the mad rush of people to go and buy and stay up all hours of the night playing. I am happy to say I wasn't one of those people, though I did join in later in the day Tuesday for some 4 player co-op and LAN multiplayer action. The game had record breaking first day sales with I believe over 2 million pre-ordered copies already before the night of release. The numbers are staggering to think about.

After seeing the passion with which these people talked about the game before it came out, went to all lengths to get the game (standing in line for hours at Gamestop/Best Buy/Wal-Mart), and stayed up all night to play it, it makes me wonder what they really put first.

I find it hard to put God first sometimes. I'll say I love Him, I'll say He's more important to me than anything, I'll talk the talk, and everything... but I still question if I'm really putting Him first. I mean, I don't even spend 10 minutes everyday with Him outside of prayer. I haven't kept a consistent Bible Study. It seems many times I go to Him or refer to Him only when I have some need or problem, like God is only there to work for me and give me stuff. I get concerned about myself and I work to try and fix my attitude and question my heart.

And then I look at these people, whose lives at some times seem to revolve around fun and games and pleasure of that nature. They may kid about being obsessed, but I don't because I take it seriously sometimes. I think it goes without saying that where we put our time is where our hearts are. Sometimes when I've spent way too much time doing something very selfish or wasteful, I say to myself "well, I know I would give it up if I had to for something more important. I'd give up all video games in a heartbeat for God." Thing is, since I don't have to, I don't ever, and these desires of mine always take precedence.

Maybe this doesn't apply to you, but I can guarantee that if I asked my group friends two nights ago to, after purchasing the game, come back and do a 10 minute devotion or prayer beforehand to show that God is more important than a game, they would look at me like I was crazy. It's a sad reality, but it's true nonetheless. And it's not something we can go around condemning of other people either, it's a realization that comes from within each person. I've realized it, and I'm committed to putting God first above all my other desires, a commitment I know I'll have to repeat over and over each day for the rest of my life as I work to put God in control of my life.

Changes

2007-09-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact I've been in college for about 3 1/2 to 4 weeks, I have yet to really blog about the changes and the transition that has taken place in my life. So I shall...

I'd like to say I didn't expect any of what has happened, but I'd be lying a whole lot to myself and to everyone else if I said that. I expected the Christian atmosphere, the great friendships to come, the tough classes (Calculus II) and the real easy ones (Learning+Transition), and the more relaxed yet more efficient schedule and framework of classes. Those things I expected and eagerly awaited before I came here.

But, as with everything, there were plenty of surprises; the largest one being how well I've managed at being on my own and taking care of my own responsibilities in and out of the dorm. I was probably more nervous about this aspect than anything else about college as it approached. And now, not a month later, it's like second nature. Marching band has also been a lot different and a lot more challenging than I expected, but I am really glad (so far) that I have joined, though our band has yet to march for an audience.

The spread of diversity on campus is something that also truly caught my attention. And I'm not talking about race, though there certainly are many different ethnicities. Spiritually, people are at all different walks with God. I see many strong Christians, but I also see many who look almost as distant from God as people from my high-school. I guess I should have expected that not everyone here would have a true relationship with Christ, but perhaps I wished that was the case. It opens up the mission field not just to the community surrounding the campus, but to the campus itself. It is encouraging to know there are people struggling as I am, there are strong people that can help build us up, and there are also weaker people who I myself have the ability to encourage and aid.

Honestly, I'm very grateful I am where I am. At points there are bad influences and things I know I shouldn't be around, but I know it is nothing compared to what I would be faced with at your typical college. Certain things I've heard and discussed and been informed about have really opened up my eyes to what college could be like for me right now, and the vision is not a good one. Some would say not being around that stuff makes me ignorant, but honestly I'd rather be ignorant than getting into or being around something damaging. I'm beginning to realize more and more why God called me to Geneva, and it gets more clear everyday.

All in all, God has really blessed my time here thus far. I can't say that I've grown more in these few weeks than in my entire grade school education, but I can say I have definitely changed and learned a lot. I couldn't have asked for more from Geneva, or any other college for that matter. I think I'm going to like it here these next few years.

Oh yeah, and the food is quite good too. Imagine that. Well... most days that is.

Synergy

2007-08-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know where the term began, but I do know that it now refers to two or more separate entities working together in unison and harmony for one single purpose or cause. Synergy creates and accomplishes what one entity by itself couldn't possibly do. It is the the power of teamwork.

Sometimes I wish that my mind, heart, and soul could somehow "synergize" perfectly. Imagine how great it would be to be thinking and focusing on something, to be passionate about it, and to know deep down that it is the right thing. Ever been so focused on one particular thing that every part of you just completely unleashes itself into its completion or undertaking?

No... I haven't either. Not yet anyways. There's always some part of me that disagrees or has second thought. If it's something good, it's the sin nature of my heart pulling me away. If it's something bad, it's my soul or mind telling me somewhere in the back that what I'm doing is wrong. But there's always that tension. The three parts of me never work in unison towards one direction, there's always some angle between them.

It reminds me of the four way tug of war we had at orientation. Each focus group (split by majors) was to take one of the sides of the rope which together formed a plus sign. In this version, there is only one winner, and that is whoever can pull the rope farthest back up their direction. My focus group (the engineer group) ended up winning, so that was a lot of fun.

The problem we encountered was when only three teams fit into a particular round. Instead of changing the angles to 120 degree spreads, the angles remained the same at 90. Of course this gave one team a completely unfair advantage being that they had nothing tugging against them. Everytime it occurred, the one team in the center would always pull the other two along with ease.

It seems like in the worst of situations my heart and my soul are going at it like that, straight across from each other evenly matched. When faced with a problem, I remain at a standstill until my mind steps in from an unfair point. It doesn't have trouble deciding what to do based on the circumstance because it meets no resistance from anything. The problem is that I end up going wherever my mind decides is right and best to go, and my mind is no more perfect then my heart or soul. Let's just say a majority of the time I make a hugely wrong decision.

I sometimes wonder if it's possible to be truly "synergetic". I think the goal is to aim to be truly focusing everything on God and furthering His kingdom. We all fall short, me especially, as parts of me start pulling in different directions. My only hope is that God will work through me to decrease the angles between my heart, soul, and mind that are pulling me in different directions and slowing me down.

The Omnipresence

2007-08-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

Ever really sit and contemplate the idea of our omnipresent God? It's like trying to picture eternity, the vastness of space, or the beginning of time. It's so hard to imagine once you really try to wrap your mind around it. You can't really grasp the idea, but somehow that's OK. It's just awesome.

The change of being around other believers on a Christian college campus in a very spiritual atmosphere has made me really begin to feel this omnipresence of God. I see God in other people, I see God at work on the campus, and I see God in the faculty and staff. It's really changed me, and I've only been at college for 5 days...

But that's not even scratching the surface. God is actually sitting right beside me as I type this up. He's around my room, in my dorm, and all around the campus. He's even next to where you were at this time and He's there now as you're reading this. He's everywhere. And the sad thing is, despite the fact that God is always with me, I am not always with Him.

In fact, it's quite the opposite most of the time. I may acknowledge God at meals when I pray, thank Him when He helps me through something hard or stressful or thank Him for something great that just happened, But God is not generally on the top of my mind. He may be the top priority way down deep in my heart, but that hasn't reached my head yet. It bothers me to think that this amazing, all powerful, mighty, loving, merciful, friendly God is always with me, and I don't even acknowledge Him or think of Him for more than 5-10% of my day (or less).

I have to admit that God has been put on my mind more just because I'm surrounded by it on campus. But that only helps to a certain point. I need to... we all need to keep ourselves in communication with God. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to "pray continually". I mean, God is always there to talk to and be with us and guide us and help us, and all we have to do is look to Him.

I talk to my friends at Geneva a lot everyday. In fact, I'm largely in some type of conversation when not occupied with other things. I may not talk all that much compared to my friends, but I listen and talk and give my two cents. I figure our time is mostly spent doing and being with those we love most. So why is it that in conversation God, who should be our number one and may be in our hearts, He gets the short straw? He never is busy on the phone, He's never preoccupied with someone else, He's never needs to go anywhere, He doesn't live far away, and He's never unwilling to hear what you have to say. Why if He's always at any given time right where we need Him to be, do we not communicate and be in relationship with Him more? It shouldn't be the case that I put him last, and I mean to fix that.

Perhaps it will be through a more consistent Bible study. Perhaps it will be through more prayer time. Perhaps it will be through more constant awareness of God's presence. Whatever it may be, I think it's important that the omnipresence of God is not just realized and revered, but acted upon and used to our advantage.

Mind's Eye

2007-08-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

All the millions of little things I see that prove to me God's existence and presence in my life are hard to name as they come, and even harder to describe and recount. I get reminders through my thoughts, through the words of others, through the little pieces that fit together just too perfectly, through answered prayer, through blessings, and from the coincidences of unimaginable odds. The list stacks up, but it is an un-recitable list. I can't describe all these little things that happen, for most are personal things or things on the fly that I forget shortly after they happen. I steal from an old dc Talk song when I say that these things come from my "Mind's Eye". They aren't visible or describable, but they are there and they make sense. I see God through my Mind's Eye. Whenever I get a sliver of doubt about God in any form, I look everything I've seen for reassurance.

I believe this type of evidence is clear to believers and also to those who seek God and look for signs of His existence. They have an eye open for God to be seen through. But then I think about those who don't believe and aren't looking, and I wonder why it is shut. I can guess that they see the world through the scientific perspective, and that science disproves God. The idea of God is just some simplistic idea made up that explains everything and instills hope in people. Let me just ask, is the idea of God as phony and random as saying that we all have little invisible black hats (thank you Elijah) above our heads that created us and control us? No. There's evidence, fact, history, and account for the existence of God and the truth of the Bible.

I think the problem is not whether most people have in their minds or on paper disproved the Bible/Jesus' divinity/God's existence. I think the problem is that most have shut their mind's eye to it. It just isn't in option to think or look into the idea of "religion", for one reason or another. For some it may be just a mindset that God doesn't make sense/is too simple/is unlogical/is unscientific. They haven't disproved it through fact because they haven't looked at all the facts or because they have and they can't. They just refuse because something else makes more sense to them. That's fine I guess, although in my opinion from a scientific point of view, God makes much more sense than evolution, but we won't go there. I think for most though, people have trouble accepting the idea of God because if they accepted it, it would mean they were not in complete control of their own lives. Perhaps it scares many to think that if they ever really sought God their lives would take a turn, perhaps a 180 degree turn in the other direction.

Maybe it bothers me when people decide to debate undebatable faith issues, because when you boil it down, evolution, Christianity, and any other belief or theory one may have about life requires faith, because nobody can prove any of these black and white. But it concerns greatly me when people have personal issues with the idea of God, things keeping them from a relationship with Him. It's one thing to know the facts from both sides and to take one side when all is laid out. It's another for someone to reject the facts for one side simply because they couldn't personally accept the changes that would result from a change in belief. I've just come to a realization of this recently, and it's been on my mind ever since... I pray for those close to me that don't know Jesus, that they would open their mind's eye to the idea of God.

Everything is going right...

2007-08-05T10:25:00.001-07:00

...and I don't know why. Why is God so good to me despite how messed up I've been? Too much has been going right for me to begin to say anything, so I'll spare all of us the time. I only hope this undeserving mess can turn himself around in the coming days in response.

Be honest... but not really

2007-07-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

Oh please, you know what I'm talking about. The girl that tells you to be honest about everything you know will not be able to take it when you tell her she isn't looking her best or that dress doesn't look amazing on her. The guy that says to you "I'm doing bad aren't I?" you know is expecting you to flatter him by saying he's doing pretty good or not bad when really he's doing terrible at something. The people you talk to everyday you ask how they're doing when in truth you don't care one bit AND when they ask you back you robotically respond "good" because you couldn't bare to tell them anything more or anything out of the ordinary.

I've come to the realization that we live in a world devoid of truth, where white lies rule. Who cares about what is honest right as long as the wall of deceit keeps me satisfied and feeling good. It's like the Matrix. Enough said.

I hate debating...

2007-07-23T05:40:00.000-07:00

I hate debating for two reasons. Firstly, I'm no good at it. Debating requires one to have a good hold of the topic being argued and to be able to spit out facts and arguments about said topic with little to no time to think. What goes on inside my head when I'm trying to form an argument or a rebuttal and I'm pressed for time? Well, it's indescribable, but if it could be put into words it might be something like this:

AS:OIHWR(*@H@I&GJFN!P)(($&%P@!)!(YWIDE)@(YEISHOULDBETHINKING@*
(Y$*#@N)P(SIFD#RIUH)($J(ICANTDOTHIS_)(@HRE#&)*UMMMM(*$HTP($#W*H*)
)(#$HR*$(HT)$MAYBE#)(R*Y#HPRHGH##(RU@QPOI#CRAP

Instead of orderly thinking it through, my brain spends 3/6 of it's power in a jumbled mess panicking and 2/6 thinking about what it's going to be like when I wind up without something to say. And that 1/6 that's working correctly, well, that's generally not enough.

But to hate something because I'm bad at it is not reason enough. I also despise debating because it leads almost always among my friends and peers to large and heated arguments that end up going in circles. They aren't productive and they aren't very enlightening, but instead are just very loud and sometimes hurtful. It doesn't mean anything to me to tell somebody what my thoughts are when they won't listen. Trust me, in an argument everybody has a defensive wall up that blocks all things everyone else says except to throw it back at them.

If debating could be done productively and non-threateningly, I would enjoy it a lot more and probably would seek more to develop my skills at it. However I think I'll stick to argumentative writing. This brings me to a topic I "discussed" recently with my friends Griffin and Mike in the car the other day.

It seems that no matter what idea is being debated or discussed or argued or whatever, it always leads to the origin of the world. This is because moral issues for me are decided strictly based on my faith, thus all debates as some might say become "religious" debates. But this is fair ground, though many people would say otherwise. The reason it is fair is because religion (though the correct term is faith) is a basis for moral and ethical decisions, and I feel it is a greater basis than ones own personal understanding that is derived from nothing but his/her own heart and experience. But this ends of creating a whole other debate entirely (which is why many wish to say faith must be kept out of the equation). If the person's faith is true, than the moral issue is decided in their favor, but if it is not, than that person's view is in the wrong. How does one prove that faith to be true or not? Many would choose to push science over it, and what better area to ask about than the one which is least understood: the world's beginning.

I don't know why debates always stem to the beginning of the universe, for I believe that evolution's greatest flaw is in its explanation of the beginning. There are two ideas one can believe: either something came out of nothing, or something was always there to create everything else. Most modern day evolutionists and creationists believe the same thing, that the beginning did not start with nothing, but rather there was some force or thing that was eternally existent that happened to start all this. For creationists, it is God. For evolutionists, it is matter or energy of some sort. Either way, it means something was always there.

When I look at everything around us in this world alone, let alone the hundreds of billions of planets and galaxies and what not, it just blows my mind. How could all of this just have happened? "Very simply," you might say, "it just did." OK, that's fine, but why all this? When I look at the sun rise, when I watch shooting stars on a clear night, when I go running and look at the trees and plants, when I admire my pets and the wildlife I see when I hunt or fish, I can't believe this was all just an accident. You see, I'm a very logical person, and what makes sense to me is the thing I am most willing to accept. And I've studied evolution just as much as I have creation, and the odds weigh heavily in favor of creation. I can't begin to understand how so many people go through life thinking we were just a result of some process. How are we the only ones with a true civilization, if all the other animals are so close to us? How come we are the only ones with feelings, that act with morality rather than on survival like the rest of science? Why? It can't be explained with science alone. Why do we love? Why do we invent? Why do we do things for recreation? Why do we have all this stuff, all this creation? Because it was all created, that's why. It was designed and put to together by someone. It wasn't all just a result of some random chance that came about by ever-existing laws. If it was, who decided the laws? Where did the matter come from. If we look at science first, we always will disprove ourselves. Something can't come from nothing and something can't just eternally exist. But if we look at God first and then fit science around it, that makes sense and there is no disproving it. God was always there. Period. If we can accept that there is a being that is above time and created time, then we shouldn't have trouble believing in the science that he created. So many scientists/evolutionists look at the world through scientific glasses, maybe not "no-God" glasses, but scientific ones. They say that science disproves God and thus God can't exist. Well, God is not under the laws of science, in fact He made them and started them. Just because we see the laws in effect here doesn't mean that everything is bound by them, especially not an all-powerful being. Sometimes I think people just don't want to accept that there is something greater than them at work here, because it makes so much sense to me.

Many will say that the idea of an all powerful being is an easy escape, is too simple a theory, and that it's easily just made up. Well, think of it this way. The idea of God has been around long before the idea of evolution. Some say that we were intelligent enough to think beyond that, but I say that people thought simplistically and logically. They didn't fool themselves by thinking "God is too simple an idea to be true". Instead, they found a rational explanation for the world and followed it. Now there are many gods that have been thought up, and not all of them are real, in fact there is only one God in truth. But this God, unlike many others, did not come up out of thin air. God had put in place since the beginning of time events where He would show himself to people and perform unimaginable wonders and miracles, all the way until the death of Jesus. Afterwards, His miracles would only be in written form, with evidence written down through God by men in the form of the Bible. This book proves God's existent, if only one can believe that it is true. However, the problem now lies with believing that the Bible is true, for if the Bible is true than God is, but if it is all just a bunch of stories and tales, than perhaps God isn't.

An analysis of the validity of the Bible I perhaps will write sometime in the future, but for now I shall end my rant. I love to debate in the literal form, as long as the discussion does not become an offensive argument.

As a small addition to this post I shall also add that I purchased the PC game "Company of Heroes" today, the first game purchase I've made in quite a long time. I find it to be one of the most realistic and interesting RTS (real-time-strategy) games I've ever played, especially since I've never played a modern day RTS (WWII). It doesn't have 12 or more civilizations and technology trees like Age of Empires II (it has two, Axis and Allied), but what is does have is balanced and used incredibly well and makes for endless hours of replay-ability. I can't go into details, but probably one of my favorite parts of the game is the realism in terrain destruction. If you shoot a building with a rocket, it wil blow a hole in the building or window, whether or not the building has sustained enough damage to collapse. If you shoot a mortar at a tank and it hits, the tank will explode and leave a fried tank carcass on the battlefield to hide behind and use as an obstacle. If it misses, it will blow a hole in the ground for your men or a gun emplacement to to take cover. All of this plus insane graphics and detail that even my nice graphics card can't run at top settings makes it stunning to watch (even if it's your men getting the crap blown out of them). Not to mention the fact that the game has a huge single player mode, an online or LAN capable multiplayer, and even a standard game generator with customizable options for countless single player skirmishes. If anything is a distraction for me right now, it's this game.

Summer Preview

2007-07-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

When I walked into summer preview I didn't quite know what was going to happen. I didn't know if I would find many people to talk to, as I remember many times me going to a college visit and finding nobody willing to come up and talk without invitation. The last thing I want is to go into orientation knowing nobody.

But the thing is, we have something my parents never had or even a few generations before us never had. Facebook has provided a way to meet and chat with tons of people going to the same college. I had chatted quite a bit on this site, but that didn't change my attitude. It's one thing to chat online, another completely to meet them in person. I found ways to think of how seeing them on Facebook could make the conversations even more awkward than meeting for the first time.

Fortunately for me, I'm not half as bad at making conversation as I used to be. Two people (best friends actually) I recognized on Facebook and pretty much instantly found a connection with. Long story short I almost spent too much time with them, but I did push myself to make casual friendships and acquaintances with others. What I found most amazing was the number of card games we played that night and the tolerance all of them had for learning them. I was pleasantly surprised by the whole weekend.

A weekend of meeting knew people doesn't come without its awkward moments however. I remember one conversation I fell into when walking out of Alexander Dining Hall.

Girl: "I KNOW YOU FROM FACEBOOK! *points finger at me*"

Dave: "Uh... yeah that's me." *walks over* "I'm Dave, what's your name?"

Girl: "Hanna, but every I know calls me Anna. Yeah I definitely remember you from facebook."

Dave: "Yeah, I've posted a lot on the Class of 2011 group. I think I remember seeing you there."

Hanna: "Yep. You live near here?" *turns to girl she previously was talking to* "Yeah, everybody says I'm really cute."

Dave: "No, actually."

Hanna: "WHAT!! YOU DON'T THINK I'M CUTE?! EVRYBODY THINKS I'M CUTE!

Dave: "No, I um..."

Hanna: "HOW CAN YOU RESIST THIS FACE?" *makes a cute face*

Dave: "That's not what I meant..."

Hanna: "I'm not friends gonna be friends with you anymore Dave."

Enough said... I never quite lived that down, even though she was only being half serious. I guess some people think it's funny or "cute" (hehe) but I take things too seriously sometimes and frankly don't quite know how to react in those situations. Live and learn I guess.

As for roommates, I came in looking to become good friends with someone and choose to room with them. Turns out I ended up just wanting to leave it up to chance or fate rather. I had an offer or two for roommates, but I didn't know enough to commit like that. I found there's plenty of people to meet that I wouldn't mind rooming with and I figure I want to see how they match me up with the preference form. Plus, I want the option of rooming with a person in the honors program. So yeah...

All in all I thought it was a great time. A few too many generalized lectures, but overall really surpassed my doubtful expectations. Now I can't wait to get to Geneva in the fall.

How do you ride?

2007-06-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

So my life is riding past me faster than I can track, almost faster than I can control. There'll be no more grade school ever... soon there'll be no more summer... soon there'll be no more college... soon there'll be a family, employment, retirement, and all that falls in between. In the blink of an eye it will all be here and past, like two athletes riding by on a double bicycle.
Thanks to an amazingly simple yet deeply true analogy from someone at my church, I got to thinking just how my life could be like and where I should be aiming to have it. The double bicycle is my life, and there are two athletes available to command it, one being myself and the other being Jesus. The front of the bike is the steering and direction while the back does most of the pedaling and movement. I could choose to ride that bike myself, however without Jesus I'll quickly end up winded and powerless and without the strength to keep myself from crashing or steering off some cliff. I could choose to put Jesus in the back to do all the pedaling while I steer. I'll take all the benefits Jesus gives me, and I'll let Him give me power, but I'll decide where to take my life and I'll be in control. The ideal situation, and what I'm aiming for, is to put Jesus in the front and me in the back. Jesus will steer me in the right direction and also give me the extra strength I need to do His will, and I will just give Him my all.
The question remains, how do you want to ride? I want Jesus in the front of my bike, steering my life in the right direction, and I've made a commitment to strive for that from now on. If my life is going to fly by, I want Jesus in control of it.

One more test...

2007-06-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

...and it is finished. N I C E

Beginning of the end of the beginning

2007-06-14T06:31:00.000-07:00

I've got a week and a day before graduation, and no school anymore except for a single test. It's crazy, but it's awesome to think about as well. God has a plan for me in the future, and I can't wait to see it out. My biggest problem will be following His lead, since being led by faith is something I haven't experienced for anything so big before, such as a career path and such. Reminds me of the scene from Star Wars where Luke is lifting rocks and Yoda and R2D2. Afterwards, Yoda asks Him to move his X-Wing out of the water. Luke says "Master, moving rocks is one thing but this is totally different." Yoda replies "No! No different. Only different in your mind." Luke's attempt fails because he doesn't believe he can do it. In the same way, I treat big decisions like the X-Wing. I would find it difficult make one of those decisions based on faith or feeling unless I really strongly believed it was God's will. Sometimes I think making small decisions based on faith is totally different, but it's not. God puts situations and feelings and people into our lives to help show us His will for us. We need to believe in it and pray about it and follow those leads where they take us. And we can't go halfway. Yoda puts it best when he says "Do or do not. There is no try."

Two dogs

2007-06-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

An old wise tale recently told to me goes something like this:

Once there was a Native American elder. He once told his tribe very plainly "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all of the time." The tribe listened intently to his short tale, and with curiosity, they asked "Which dog wins?" After a brief moment of reflection he replied "The one I feed the most."

There is a part of the story that goes unmentioned, but for me it is implied. I've never let the dogs die. I feed one or the other for some time and they wound each other day in and day out. Sometimes they get severely beaten, but every time I will bring them back with a defibrillator or some sort of pick me up. I've seen them both on the deathbed, but they always come back.

I want the good dog to win, so the solution is obvious. But can I do it? Yes. Will I do it? Yes. The bad dog needs to die.

It's over...

2007-06-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

Clearly it took me until I got my yearbook this morning to realize what is happening. 21 days from now I'll have completed high school. It will be the biggest transition in my life as I say goodbye to so many people and so many things. And in their place will be new things and new people. People that I've known for my whole life will be out of my life, most perhaps for good. It's a gut-wrenching feeling, and it brought me much closer to an emotional outbreak than I've been in a long, long while. So many things I wish I could take back over the years, but so many more things I wish I had done, so many relationships I wish I had developed more. I did a lot, but missed out on a lot, and the beauty and curse of time is that I can't go back and change it. This part of my life is over. But it wouldn't be so hard to accept that if those that I care about had a secure future. And I'm not talking about a future in their schooling, in their careers, in their families. I'm talking about eternity. My friends will be driving away after graduation perhaps the happiest they've ever been and perhaps with the "carpe diem" live life to the fullest attitude in their hearts. Perhaps in the future their lives will be awesome, and they will die at an old age content men and women. But that doesn't matter to me. None of that matters. The time here can't even be compared, can't even be considered, can't even be measured, can't even be seen in comparison to eternity. And what have I been able to do during these 12 long years to prepare them for it? Apparently not very much. It leaves a gaping hole in my heart to know that the seeds I've planted in their hearts have not yet grown or may never grow. Perhaps they are not even healthy seeds...

I haven't cried for nearly a year, and besides that time I probably haven't for about three or four. I'm not a very emotional guy on the outside. I have trouble expressing things or even feeling things that others may find devastating. When my grandpa passed away, even then I couldn't cry, and I miss him so much... But when I do get upset nowadays, I feel it inside me; I feel the symptoms, I feel the signs. When I think that this is all over, especially for my influence on my friends, I get that way. It's a tough burden to bear. My only hope is that the end of school is not the end of my relationship with my friends. My only hope is that I still have a chance to share with my friends the greatest gift they could ever receive.

4 words

2007-05-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

No... more... road... tests...

Woot

Arggh

2007-05-27T13:50:00.001-07:00

I always have these great plans and they always go to the toilet the day they should be coming together. I have yet to set up a hangout day with friends successfully and with full attendance. I guess I'll have to be more direct than email and the internet allows (aka I need to use the phone more often). Whatever. It also seems like people always are available when I'm not. And with the limited time I have, I like to see that when I have free time it's being put to the best use. And a majority of the time it's not. Like today for instance. I spent my entire afternoon with my sister and her friend (which I was obligated to do), because nobody else was available to hang out with us and make the day a more group oriented time. There are a million, billion, trillion things worse than what I'm complaining about so forgive my venting. I just wish my plans and the uses of my time would work out better than they do sometimes...

Bearing down

2007-05-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

So I thought all the pressure and stress would be gone after AP tests. But now I've got other big stuff happening. Like my road test which is coming up this Tuesday. And, oh yeah, that 1/3 mile swim, 13 mile bike, 3 mile run I have to do next Saturday. These past few days I've been training hard, but I wish I could be consistent with something before it's almost upon me. Again I admit I'm not nearly ready for next week. But I hope to be able to beat my time from last year, which was below average at 1 hour 34 minutes (average being 1 1/2 hours). I'm just praying God keeps me strong this week and not too stressed as I work hard to get these things accomplished to the best of my ability.

Hmmm

2007-05-22T03:42:00.001-07:00

Despite being pretty much done with the work in school (the exceptions being Calculus and a bit of Physics), I have a busy schedule this week. I guess it's because I'm working again. Yay for me... Well, I realize that I have problems getting things done when I am not busy. But when I am pressed for time I find time to be productive. I don't understand it. But that's the silver lining of keeping busy I guess.

-Dave

Wow

2007-05-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

So it is finally over. No more AP exams ever again. No more intense studying and loads of work. Now, as a fourth quarter senior, I've basically graduated already, but until the actual ceremony it will only be psychological.
The question is, what shall I do now? I used to be able to convince myself that the reason I didn't do anything productive was because of all these tests. Now that it's over, I have a lot more free time and a lot less excuses to fill my time with. It's funny, I can't do school work when I need to, instead I work on my own projects. When I have no school work and have free time I don't do projects, instead I spend most of my time lallygagging from one thing to another, not getting much of anything done. It's quite possibly the most frustrating paradox ever, next to Hillary Clinton running for president.
Two summers ago I spent my days like spending quarters in a broken arcade game, wasting them. The summer after (last summer) I vowed not to do the same, and was sort of productive. I intended to write an entire "choose your own adventure" story during that summer, instead only got a small way and didn't end up finishing it until just about two weeks ago (see here for the story).
So, as lame as it sounds I vow again to make this vacation and end of the year very productive, possibly the best I've had, in preparation for college. And this will be a productive summer, probably the most memorable of them all.

Is God Good?

2007-05-10T16:07:00.000-07:00

That has been the question among many, next to the question "Does God exist?". Many people, myself included, have come to the conclusion (through our own contemplation and experiences of divine evidence many times inexplicable to others) that God exists. Which leaves to be asked and questioned just what this God is like. This is the stumbling block for most, for in a world of such turmoil, how can an all powerful God truly be good?
Honestly, one of the biggest turnoffs to "religion" is the fact that people refuse to believe in a God that allows all the destruction and chaos in our world. It just doesn't make sense. "If I were God and had the power, I would take away everything bad right now and make the world perfect for everybody" many would say. Seems so simple, and most leave it at that. But some others refuse to believe that God can't exist, they just view Him in a more negative light.
For some, God is a dictator. He's a big meany with lightning bolts ready and willing to strike down and punish anyone he pleases, most often those who disobey, but sometimes just because he feels like it without explanation. Some people think if they try harder to "be a good person" then this vengeful God may take out His wrath on someone else and spare them. It reminds me of the gods and goddesses in Greek mythology. Very unforgiving, sometimes corrupt and unfair gods who had the power and didn't care too much about the specs on the marble sized planet Earth. That's a pretty depressing viewpoint and I think I'd rather believe in no gods at all.
So for others (most Christians at least), God is good. But how can that be? We see the evil all around us, and this said all-powerful God isn't doing anything to stop it. He let Hitler come to power. He allowed countless wars. He allowed plagues and massive diseases. He's allowing hundreds of children to be orphaned as infants everyday, and others to be enslaved. He's letting drunk drivers kill innocent people everyday and night, allowing rape and murder. He's allowing diseases and wars and conflict and all this stuff that we try to turn a blind eye to and forget because of how terrible it is. And yet some still believe we have a good God. How can that be?
First we have to understand where all this stuff is coming from. This corruption, it's not from God, and God has nothing to do with it. In fact, God is the epitome of perfection, and He can't sin and can't be around sin. He hates sin so much. It disgusts Him. We are the cause of our misery. From the very beginning, we were created perfect. But we broke the one law God put in front of us, and from that day we've been breaking laws time and again. Each one we break has consequences, and though some are subtle, they are what is bringing the human race down the tubes. We had a choice then and we broke it. We have a choice ahead of us right now but we already know we will break it. We are the cause of our own misery.
So we are the cause. But God has the power right? He created the whole universe in six days, He must have the power to stop all this sin, right? Right. He has the power, and He uses it time and again when we ask for His help. But picture this. Imagine your pet, say your dog if you have one (and like it mind you) sitting here in front of you. He/she pees right on your floor (hopefully for all of us so far this is a bad thing). You don't like this, but you know because the dog isn't perfect, it's going to happen even if the dog is obedient to you and trained well. Now put a robot in place of your dog (or pet generically) and tell me how you feel. If you loved your pet, I don't think a robotic replacement would do just the same, because robots just do what you tell them to. They don't have feelings or show real love, they just run programs. They may never make any mistakes whatsoever, but they will never be the same as a real dog (cat, pet, whatever floats your boat). The same is true with God and us. He created us for the sole purpose of loving us and being loved back (the same reason you got a pet). He sure has the power to make everything perfect, just like you have the power to throw your dog out the door and buy a Furby or Gigapet (old school I know). But that wouldn't be real love would it? If you were programmed by God to love Him and do everything perfectly, you'd be no more than a robot to Him. We wouldn't be choosing to love Him, we'd be forced to. And we all know that in love of all kinds, love takes and requires choice. So God has the power with us just as we do with pets, but He out of the love He has for us and wants from us, chooses not to makeus perfect robots.
In addition to this, God is all powerful as I've said before. He makes the rules. Should He really be a God that is vengeful, full of wrath, and trigger happy with His stash of lightning bolts at His side, who are we to argue fairness? He has the power, and He created us to think the way we do. Who's to say God's actions aren't just merely because He is God, and there is no judge on Him.
However, we don't have to think this way. God is good. He is the epitome of good, the essence of good, and is in His entirety, completely good. As humans we are selfish; we are by nature inclined to define good as what makes us happy. In all its simplicity, good is what is beneficial for us. And because of this, God should be the sole and best example of goodness. Because you have to understand that we can't understand the depth of God's love. You see, we do things, especially love, because of our own needs. We need this so we do it. We want this so we get it. God had everything He needed in His perfection and power. Everything. There wasn't a single part of Him aching for more. And yet He made us because the perfect God of the universe wanted to love us. That's good.
God is good, all the time. It's easy to see that God is good on the bright sunny days after AP exams when we're hanging with friends, when the pressure is off, when everything is going great. But what about when things don't go our way? How about when things go really terribly? We in our selfish and short-sighted minds and hearts can't always see God's goodness in the bad times. We have to realize that God is good though, because despite How we are at that moment, God never changes. If someone in my family were to die tonight, God was good, is good, and will be good. I'll stand on that principle, not held by some paper-thin faith when things are going great, but in the solid knowledge of God's shining goodness in my life even during my darkest hour. Amen.

The Good God

2007-05-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

I've found the topic of God's goodness in such an evil world to be very interesting and thought provoking. I would love to spend an hour diving into it, but with an AP exam tomorrow I don't know if that's the best course of action, and just summing my thoughts up won't do it justice. So I will save it for a later date, hopefully very soon. However, I must say that the fact that I've not only gotten by but actually done well thus far in my two weeks of hell is evidence enough that God is good. Enough said.

NYSSMA

2007-05-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I'm back and my solo is done. It went well, considering its difficulty, the fact that I was teaching myself (didn't have a private instructor), and the fact that I'm a senior and this doesn't really count for anything. It was great to be able to tackle a piece like Concerto in B flat, something I never thought I'd be able to play, and actually make it sound somewhat pleasing to the ear. It was a great challenge and good moral booster for these upcoming weeks. So yeah, now I've been up to the plate twice, both times getting a hit. I'm hoping for another single on these exams, or a double if I'm lucky (I couldn't even imagine a home run).

Brobdingnagian... the wonders of dictionary.com :)

Weeks of anguish

2007-05-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

Here is what my three weeks look like:

-Prodigious assignments due
-NYSSMA Solo
-AP Government Exam
-AP Literature Exam
-AP Macroeconomics Exam

The Brobdingnagian (yes, that's a word) assignments are over, so the first part I have survived. The second part is well underway, and I will be going through that tonight. The third part is well on its way coming (Monday) and the others are to follow. I'll keep you informed should I be alive (and online) anytime following tonight. Adios...

Complaints, complaints

2007-04-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

I get tired of hearing people complain about things so much. Life stinks, we all know that. No use throwing out repetitious groans, moans, and grudges because life has been hard to you. Life is hard for everyone, if somebody says life is easy they're either a. lying, b. really happy (a temporary blindfold to the truth), or c. selling something (lying). But seriously, life is hard sometimes and yesterday it was hard for me.
This is not the "I broke up with my girlfriend" hard, nor is it the "Someone close is really sick right now" hard. It's just one of those "I wish I could have" days. I kept thinking to myself all day as the hours went by that I had my a bad choice for time management.
So I'm booked to the brim with stuff this next week. Big service next Sunday, two projects due this week, music solo Friday, work Saturday and tomorrow, AP exams starting next week... So yesterday I was tired and knew my week was going to be up to the brim in stuff and I wouldn't have much time (don't ask why I'm sitting here now writing this instead of working, I have no answer that's not a lie or an insult to myself). That day I had church and then I could either go to a friends house for the whole afternoon before a concert (Toby Mac) at 7pm or go home. I chose, for reasons I regret now, to go to a friend's house.
The problem with this choice is I didn't really do much of anything. I kept complaining in my head about how much time I was wasting not having enough fun when I could have been doing work I desperately needed to get started. And we left for the concert (that opens doors at 6:30), at 3:30, arriving at 3:50 in line for seats... Yeah, I know... Now, a friend of mine who got there maybe 20 mins b4 the concert started got seats just to our left (not farther back, just to the left). I wouldn't have minded standing at the concert if it meant not standing for 2 hours outside the church beforehand... But people who wasted an hour and 40 minutes less got almost equal seating. That I would have taken in an instant over what we did.
So you can see where my head was that whole night. I complained in my head and I even complained to some people about it, not really complaining, just stating my grievances.
But the truth is, the concert was great. I wasn't dead tired (ok, maybe I was). But I've managed to survive the day after and looking at the schedule, it doesn't seem quite as bad as it did before. Now I'm complaining about my complaints, not because I think I made the right choice about my afternoon, but because I failed to look on the bright side and because I made my night a lot more negative than it should have been. So my two cents: quit complaining, everything will work out.

It smells so sweet outside today. The sun smiles down, I'm in the shade. I sit and think about all my friends and how good they are. But when today is yesterday, I know that things won't stay the same. But I know that the memories won't go too far. Round and round the world will turn. Lessons taught and lessons learned. Jesus gets us through the good and bad times. And lets us know that everything will be just fine. A year's passed since I wrote this song. A lot's gone right a lot's gone wrong. But I know that Jesus has been there right by my side. And I see the sun still shines. It shines outside and in my life, and I know that everything is gonna be just fine. -Relient K

Love

2007-04-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

My last post was garbled, unorganized, not altogether and probably didn't communicate quite what I wanted to say, so I deleted it. I thought about the topic a bit more over course of these last two days, and here's what I've got to say...

Love is complicated and hard to define. It can be the most destructive or most life giving of all emotions. God intended love to be awesome, deep, and multi-dimensional. Question is at what point a person really loves someone.

First of all, I believe the source of love is God. If we don’t know God, we don’t know what true love is. (Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8) God’s love is too vast and too complicated to understand, because there is no logical, rational reason for him choosing to love us. But he does. So God’s love was choice. And because God created love, I believe our love for Him and for others is choice.

Love isn’t selfish and isn’t self gratifying. The world wants to believe that love comes from in the mind, that it can come sporadically, and that it comes uncontrollably without any effort on our part. That is the idea of “falling in love”. The truth is that love of all kinds comes through choice. It may be easier to love certain people because of attraction, but we still have to make the effort.

I think Charles Creech summed it up pretty well:

“True love is the process of extending yourself to others. The world’s love is the process of selfishly extracting the things from others it believes will make it happy. Degrees of love are based on different levels of giving yourself to others within the proper boundaries. Degrees of love are not based on different levels of intense emotion. The world believes that one can “fall in love”. However, God has commanded us to love and we cannot just helplessly fall into His will. There are individuals that provide a greater source of external motivation for us to love them, but we must still make the choice to love within the bounds of truth. The truth is that we are to love even our enemies, the people that hate us and use us.”

I believe love at first sight might just be a thing of this world. God may show us who he intends for us to spend our lives with, but the attraction (even if strong) is not yet love. Love itself takes time, energy, and work to (if not create and secure itself) maintain. That I can and will stand to, for in this sinful world nothing is perfect, not even the deepest love between two people.

Love is by far the strongest, most powerful of all feelings when at its highest intensity. If we misperceive love, it can lead us down a path where we will most likely fall and fall hard. If we treat love as an attraction or desire, and work to feed it to ourselves, nothing good will come of it, for that’s not how God intended it. We should feed ourselves with God’s love, and then give that love to others.

Unfortunately for those who like things concrete and simple, love is not one of those things. For God is indefinable, and God is love. God’s love for us is inexplicable and deeper than we can fathom. And it’s this love that we seek to receive and hopefully seek to give. While our love is not nearly as vast or complex as His, it certainly is still too complicated for us to fully explain or comprehend. Like God, the mystery and complexity is part of what makes it so great.

Drained

2007-04-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

I'm depleted, wiped, spent, hacked, effete, dead, bleary, exhausted.

Looking for more than thought in this post? Here you go: There's a point at which one spends too much time doing stuff and little to no time just chilling and relaxing. My advice: don't reach that point, EVER. I haven't hit that point yet, but it feels like it. Here's what I've got going against me:

-Triathlon Training
-NYSSMA Music Solo
-AP Government/AP Macroeconomics/AP English Literature/Calculus/Physics @ school
-Work @ A&P 3 days a week
-Band/Chorus
-Youth Band
-College Stuff
+ whatever other things are going on at any given time

People ask me how I do it, I tell them I know not either, I just do. I don't question it. It's worked so far (and all without a license). ;)

And I'm not complaining. This has been my most productive year and... I umm... I...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Well...

2007-04-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

I knew exactly what I would post if I passed. But I didn't. So here goes.

I get so caught up in the "I failed, I'm a loser, I'm so stupid" deal. At least that's what goes on in my head when I mess up. And it may be true, but it's not helping anything, it only makes things worse. Take this test for example. What did I lose by failing? A day or worry (the worst part), less than two hours time, and a month more before I can drive on my own (which I doubt I'll be doing much of anyway). But no, my mind can't focus on that. It compares and complains and throws insults at itself, saying how easily I could have passed had I not made that one stupid mistake (which I will forever consider extremely stupid). Whatever, I can deal with it till that goes away.

I do however need to start to learn to have a positive attitude about things. It's easy for me to tell others when they get mad or upset to just chill and think positively. But, at the same time, I can't many a time. Just something I'll have to keep at.

Oh yeah, and I didn't mention the second worst thing about this test. Telling everyone that I told I was taking it to that I failed. That should be fun...

Worry

2007-04-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

Here's the cycle:
1. Something is coming that gets me nervous
2. I get anxious the day of the event and every time I think about it before hand
3. It comes and I'm freaking out
4. It happens and I'm calm and fine thinking It was stupid to worry about this

Well, despite how much the cycle happens, I never learn from it and it never changes. And here I have yet another obstacle in my life, the road test. And though the world isn't hanging in the balance, and nothing big is on the line should I fail, I (being less than 2 1/2 hours away from the test) am a nervous wreck.

I should realize that once I'm through, I'll realize how not so bad this all was, whether or not I pass. Just like my flu shot. I always think my shots are going to hurt so bad, yet every single time after I get them done the worry was all for nothing. I realize that's it's just natural for me, that's the way my mind works, but I thought about what Jesus said about worry.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:27

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

If only my mind could take that to heart. I'll definitely be posting again once this is over, success or failure... *sigh*

Wouldn't You Know

2007-04-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

Our unofficial youth pastor candidate gave a sermon on trust today. Cool how God works isn't it?

Trust

2007-04-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

It's one of the qualities I value most and look for most in others. If I can trust them, I'm comfortable with them and things go smoothly. On a deeper level, I can trust people with my inner thoughts I don't wish to share with just anyone, and those I truly trust I know I can lean on and look to when I fall.

I trust my friends somewhat, I trust my close friends a lot, and I trust my family a lot. I trust God, but probably not as much as I should. This is ridiculous when I think about it, because God is more loyal than all my friends and family could ever be combined. He's there for me when I need it most, even when I don't deserve it, time and again. And yet, I seem to put my trust on hold when He asks to me to step into the unknown.

Maybe that's where my relationship has gone wrong. You see, I've felt this void between God and me that others seem to have filled. At worship, many seem so intensely focused on the words and so connected with God. Me, I try, I ask God, I look to be connected, but I end up just singing through the songs, and I don't get much more out of it than the energy or sound of the music. That bothers me.

Also, I seem to get so caught up in the "performing" of music and the "art" of prayer, that I really think I lose it for myself. I don't feel like I think I should when I'm praying and worshiping, or rather leading worship. I hear testimonies from others, even from my best friend at a major church rally about how God felt so close, how tears came down his eyes because of the change and the connection that he felt. Just one, just once I want to cry because of my relationship with God. Just once.

Maybe it's just my personality, maybe I'm over analyzing it. I love God, I know that, and I know deep in my heart that God loves me more than I could ever imagine. But just read one of my posts earlier about how false I see myself or how false I feel and in that lies the problem.

Perhaps more trust in is order. Trust to let God take control. Trust that God with find me and connect with me if I just let go and seek Him. Trust that my prayers will come out from the heart and not the mind of someone who doesn't want to mess up. Trust that when I sing both in youth group and in big church that it's not just for the singing or the compliments, but that the song and words are for an audience of One.

Perhaps I also need to be in the Word, and trust that more of what God says will bring my relationship closer and closer with Him. It's a tough fight, and it's been one I've seen and ignored time and again. It's time to stop ignoring my void, my distance from my Saviour. Stop ignoring it and start filling it with trust.

Counting it down

2007-04-09T18:04:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes if God speeds up time for those who don't look at their watches, and slows down time for those that do. Better yet, I wonder if He speeds up time at home when work is coming and slows down time during work. Truth is, I thinks it's all perception. But I'm skipping around the point. When I focus so much on how the time is going and thinking about the time itself, I lose the whole point of time, which is to make use of it and do something worthwhile.

I'm a horrible procrastinator, and I think my perception of time has something to do with it. I look at how long I have until a project is due, and I think I have plenty of time and convince myself I can do it later. While that may be true in some cases, I end up convincing myself of that in the cases where it is not true as well. And it's because I'm looking at the time so much, analyzing it, making generalizations and measurements and choices based on time. And it's not productive.

What I need to do is just go and do and not be so much of a time analyst. Of course I'm not saying I shouldn't be time conscious, I'm just saying I should not have to convince myself to do or not do something based on the time. If it's important and it needs doing, it just should be done. And when I'm bored, there's probably something productive I could be doing, I'm just missing it or not motivated to do it unfortunately.

I'm afraid if just in simple habits and homework I become used to procrastinating, it might become the same with more important things, like relationships, or my walk with God or my job or something. I'll just tell myself I can do it later, I have all the time I need. Or later I'll find I have no time and I have to push everything else aside to do what I think is most important. I don't want that. I want to be an effective and efficient user of time, without having to constantly "watch my watch" so to speak. And I'll push hard for that to happen.

Easter = Amazing

2007-04-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

So great, so powerful, and yet (like Christmas) so watered down. Commercialized is more the word. Easter is no longer about Jesus dying for us and rising from the dead, it's about the bunny, about candy, about hunts, about colored eggs, about anything but what it signifies. For others who think they've got the idea it's about who looks the best going to church for the first of two "required" times during the year, or about the performance on stage or in the pew, about who can smile the widest and give others the warmest welcome. We're not in church to impress anyone but God. If what we're doing isn't from the heart, is it isn't real.
Maybe it's just me, but I think we live in a world of fakes, myself probably one of the biggest ones. We may sing the words and think we've got it all together, but really there's nothing there, no truth within our hearts, no life within our soul. Relient K has hit me again with the lyrics that state:

"You can't see past the blood on my hands to see that you've been aptly damned to fail and fail again, 'cus we're all guilty of the same things. We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through."

The next part is crucial:

"And I know that I have been forgiven"

That's it, that's the key. That's what Easter is all about. Not about all the commercialization that the world creates, neither about the competition for looking or being the best on Sunday. It's all about the fact that Jesus died an unimaginably painful death for us to take our punishment that we deserve, when He in is perfect and all powerful self could have chosen not to. As Casting Crowns put it

"How refreshing to know You don't need me, how amazing to find that You want me."

I've come to appreciate what Jesus did all the more this year, realizing in full the magnitude of what He did, why He did it, and how much it means. It's a great feeling to know that I live for a God who chose to die in my place, a God who "took the bullet" for me. Amazing...

Oh yeah, and He's not dead. He's risen. He's alive. Amen to that.

Rend, Repair, Repeat (My Life Story)

2007-04-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

Relient K lyrics have shaped my life since I first started listening. In tribute, I put together a little poem (of sorts) using strictly and word for word lyrics from their songs:

I feel like I was born to devastation and reform;

A road down which I swore I'd never go

And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
It seems this curse just can't be lifted.

And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because

I gotta get outta here. I’m begging You to be my escape.

I just want to get mugged at knifepoint; to get cut enough to wake me up.
I know that I don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by.

Cause I've got enough problems without creating more.

All of my mistakes keep me awake at night.

I got to get away, get away from all of my mistakes,

Cause I so hate consequences.

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back.

I messed everything up.

Every trace of momentum is gone

And this isn’t turning out the way I want.

All of my escapes have been exhausted.
I thought I had a way but then I lost it.
My resistance was once much stronger.
I know I can't go on like this much longer.

I'm jumping off a cliff knowing that you'll save me.

Sometimes we live for no one but ourselves.

Explore the cave that is my chest,
A torch reveals there's nothing left.

The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black,
Wade through the depths and bring me back”.

I need you.
I need you here,
I need you now.

I need you like you would not believe.
You're the only thing I want

‘Cause you're everything I need

to keep my head on straight.

I have not been abandoned. No, I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten.

Deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not lose hope.

You promise me that You believe

In time I will defeat this,

‘Cause failure is a blessing in disguise.

Somewhere in me there is strength.

I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat.

Somewhere in me there is strength.

Never underestimate my Jesus.

I know that I have been forgiven;

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

I pull my heart out, reconstruct.

To go back where I was would just be wrong;
I'm pressing on.

This is how I choose to live

What we take from this is what we'll get

And we haven't quite figured it out just yet
Because all of us are all too stuck
Strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up

And you can't see past the blood on my hands

To see that you’ve been aptly damned
To fail and fail again.

Being apathetic's a pathetic way to be.

The truth is excuses are lame.

We’re all guilty of the same things
We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through.

The end will be the end of things
And our hearts are all we get to bring

So let's go ahead and make them worth something

Amen...

Bowling

2007-04-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

Bowling is a game of consistency. If one person, after getting a strike, could just throw the same way again and again, they'd have a perfect score every game. It seems so simple, almost like a choice rather than skill or just luck.
But it's not that simple. There's the speed, the timing, the step, the release. All these things have to be perfect in order to bowl the same way, and that's hard. Factors change such as arm strength, finger flexibility and slickness, maybe even some missteps here and there. Even for a perfect game, the bowler hasn't thrown exactly perfectly the same way each time.
My perfect game each time is beating my top score (which currently stands at 157). Today I played two games, and couldn't even pass 100. I got two marks the entire two games I played. I got a strike my second frame, but after that I was shooting 9's, 8's, and below. It depressed me, but I was determined to do better my second game.
Of course, my second game was pretty terrible as well, and I ended up pretty much giving up at the end. Over and over in my head I kept saying Just bowl like you use to, choose to bowl accurately and strongly. And every time I got up I'd mess up, and fall short of the mark. Trying to rationalize this in my head, I'd keep believing I could come next time around. But I'd keep failing.
I can stand to be in the midst of people better than me, people beating me, even people mocking me for my score. What I can't take is trying my hardest at something and not being able to do better than or close to my personal best. I didn't come close, and I hated that.
But how do I battle that? How do I battle any problems I face that, after trying as hard as I can again and again I keep failing at? The reality is, I'm never going to be perfect, just like I probably won't ever get a perfect game (if I even get past 157 someday!). But does that stop me from bowling again? No at all, I come back just as motivated to beat my score the next time I bowl. The reality of failure shouldn't goad us into giving up and not trying anymore. We have to keep on keeping on, as God intended us to. And when we ask for His help, He'll always be there to straighten our stance and help us aim towards the center.

Sticky situations

2007-04-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

Because of our inability to be open, tell the truth, and accept the truth, relationships get messy. And I'm not talking just romantic ones, but all levels, from the intimate to the casual. People need to be open and be able to speak their minds, and the receivers need to be receptive and understanding.
So take a relationship between two friends, a guy and a girl. Perhaps the girl likes the guy, but the guy (whether or not he has feelings) chooses to remain casual and friendly for now. Without saying anything, the girl slowly begins to talk less and less to this guy she once liked because she assumes he doesn't feel anything for her. The guy chooses not to ask her why she talks less and less to him. The relationship goes from a great friendship to a deflated one, and the guy is left wondering what has happened.
If there was communication (verbal I mean), the situation would be clear, things would be out in the open, and whatever the outcome, things would be cool. But it being months later, the wall of silence has been built of so high and strong that an attempt to communicate on a real level would be incredibly awkward and hard to reach. If it was reached, the stakes could result in collapse, making things even worse than they had been.
This is all because people can't communicate, and it bugs me. I myself have a hard time forming a comprehensible sentence off of paper, and sometimes I have serious problems being comfortable around and conversing with people, even those I know well. So this frustration is aimed at myself above all else.
I am the guy in that situation, figuratively and in a sense physically, but I won't go into details. It's a sticky situation, one that sometimes seems so simple to solve, but other times seems like an impossible wall for me to climb. And it gets higher and higher everyday...

I'd better rest my eyes
Cuz I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say

Thought things would turn out so well
But I'm beginning to see
That instead it's trouble
Into a pattern we fell
Of prolonging the inevitable

Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear

I gotta check my pride
Because I was starting to think
I was starting something good
I couldn't start it this way
I was sinking in retrospect
And understanding that I misunderstood
I'd like to make up your mind
And then this decision locks up
So tight it couldn't be touched
Thought you were being so kind
But keeping your mouth sealed shut
Rather than just opening it up

Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear

And I tried
To guess what goes on in your head
Cuz in your mind
I just might find
All those things you left unsaid
And I'll try to maybe not regret anything
Later on after I'm gone
You'll wish that you
Had listened to me (listened to me)

Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are gonna hurt
We're better off this way
Why don't you
Come right out and say come right out and say
What I know you're thinking anyway
Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
And just what it is you're thinking

Come Right Out And Say It- Relient K

Ugh

2007-03-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

Embarrassment may not be the most painful feeling of them all, but it certainly seems to come back again and again. And usually it's not even a big deal to others, they forget about it after they see it happen. But I always seem to remember my own mess ups, and the next time I think of it I feel almost as stupid as I did then, thinking I can never redeem myself or recover from these stupidities. The more I think about it too, the more I understand how stupid I was, which makes it even worse. I'm just a wreck when it comes to embarrassment, and I hate it. And the problem is, I don't even on the outside look like I want to impress anyone, but I guess underneath I still can't stand looking stupid or doing/saying something stupid. Shame on me for how much I am influenced by others...

Can you tell I recently had one of those embarrassing moments? Yeah, I thought so... ugh

The good good and the bad good

2007-03-25T17:38:00.000-07:00

So there's to types of pleasure (good) in this world. There's the good that is good for you, and there's the good that's bad for you. I ask myself the question over and over why we always choose the good bad. Like candy. We choose that over fresh fruit. Even though the healthy fruit tastes good and is beneficial for our bodies, we choose the candy that tastes good but is unhealthy in the long run. Well, the same thing goes with just about everything else.

Every time I choose that candy I think I should just forget about trying to "eat healthy". I think I should just indulge and keep eating chocolate and donuts and other junk food, because I've convinced myself there's no way I can get out of it. Well, I know there is, but I want to think there isn't so I can just give up and enjoy.

I was watching a college basketball game tonight. I've watched about five or six endings of these games, and they all end the same way. Either it's overtime or near the end of the 2nd half and the one team is down like 3 points. They work hard, but the other team gets further and further away in the score, and time is running out. I look at the clock and think this is stupid, it's impossible for them to win. Why are they even trying? But they do, they play their hearts out even when there's 15 seconds on the clock and they're down by 10 points. It's insane, and they can't win, but they act like it's a 1 point game.

I want to be like that losing NCAA team. I want to play like I can win even when I think I can't. I want to play my heart out at whatever challenge faces me. I can sit on the sidelines and write about it all I want, but the truth is I need to get out there and play when the score is against me. But the difference between me and that team is that it's not impossible to win. In fact, I'm ahead in the score. Half of the challenges I'm facing don't require anything of me, they actually require me to do something to fail. If I choose not to do it, I made the layup at the buzzer. I win. That simple.

I will win this.

Stats on time

2007-03-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

In follow up to how people use their time...

Get this

Based off of an 85 year lifespan, a person (on average) will spend:

-2 minutes a day brushing his teeth, which is
12.1 hours in a year
43.1 (24 hour) days in a lifetime

-15 minutes a day using the restroom, which is
91.25 hours in a year
46.2 weeks in a lifetime

-2 hours a day watching TV, which is
30.4 days in a year
7.1 years in a lifetime

How much time we spend in prayer? How much do we spend reading the Bible? It adds up over the course of a lifetime. If we could devote just one minute a day to studying the word, that would be 21.6 days of Bible reading over the course of a lifetime. Just one minute! Just five minutes in prayer would be 15.4 weeks of prayer in a lifetime. Imagine how much time you spend talking to your friends everyday. I'm sure it's more than five minutes. Shouldn't we want to spend more of our time talking to the one who gave it to us? It's not much to ask for. And we have 1440 minutes in a 24 hour day, thats 960 minutes not including the average 8 hours of sleep. Do we really just not have the time? Think about it...

Putting everything else aside

2007-03-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

So many idols in this world today. Idols that take up our time and our money. People may deny the term, but I believe to a certain extent we 'worship' our earthly idols. The term worship is defined as 'an act to acknowledge the value or worth of something'. And though we may not get on our hands and knees every morning and bow down to our favorite sport, our money, our computer or TV, our favorite celebrity, or whatever it may be, we do spend a lot of our time doing what we like to do most. And where are time goes, our worship goes also.

I believe that we can worship God by giving Him our time and by using our time for Him and His purposes. So wouldn't that be true of any idol or god? Time is the most valuable possession we have. Each one of us has the same amount, 24 hours a day, and nobody can produce more of it. I realize that if I could have any superpower it would be to control time. Because no matter what else one can do, nothing beats having all the time in the world to accomplish something. But I wonder how much of our 24 hours, (more like 15 or 16 of active hours) how much we spend doing practical things, things that make a difference.

How we spend our time is directly related to what we value most. I realize from my time spent on the computer, I value the computer a lot for its multiple purposes, some of those being regrettable ones. I could even say I'm dependent on it for some things and that in a sense I worship it. I have no defense for this, for I know I need to use my time better and get my priorities straight. I've seen what being consumed by material things can do, in this case the PC consuming my time, my energy, and some of my passion for God. It's what I've been thinking about lately, and it's the one thing I can't get straightened out. I want to be all these idols aside and put God in the center. I want to give my time to God, plain and simple. If God was my one priority and my only idol, I'd be set. I've just got to get there...

The communication warzone

2007-03-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

It starts with a simple question, or maybe a simple thought, on some theological, questionable idea. That gets everyone's attention, at least everyone who is interested in discussing these "deeper" and more gray areas. It gets the attention of those who are strongly for or strongly against the subject. But from there, the communication can turn two ways. It can be a trade or exchange of ideas in a friendly and open-minded way. Both sides aren't looking for anything more than to provide benefit to each other with the information they can share. But that's only if it's a trade...

The sides also have a choice to become offensive. The basic hope of this method of communication is to destroy the other side and have them in the end submit to the attacker's way of thinking. They do this in two ways. Either they officially declare war and both sides officially begin to bombard each other in debate, or they hide their offensive but nonetheless attack and remain offensive despite the neutrality of the other side. In both cases, they have a war on their hands, and nothing good ever seems to come from wars over compromise, especially wars of words.

So why do so many Christian's expect to win the war for Christ through argumentative wars? I used to, years ago, and I thought that was the way to go. I would throw out all I could at my atheist friends hoping that one spiritual grenade would land right in the fox hole of their heart. But it turns out they weren't the right kind of grenades, and they didn't nearly have the range to reach my friends.

The message Christians need to be showing to others is Christ's love. That's it, that's all we need. Show others what God's love has done for them, what God's love means to you, and how it has changed your life. 2/3 of it is personal testimony, 1/3 of it the actual message of the Cross. Nowhere in there is it about "converting" them by convincing them atheism is wrong and couldn't work, by slamming their opinions as shallow minded, and responding with such opposition and "religious zeal" to perhaps strongly worded questions. That's not what Jesus was about, and that's not how Christians should be either. If arguing is showing God's love, then perhaps God's love doesn't mean that much.

For many Christians, we feel the need to defend the faith. When we get asked tough or threatening questions, sometimes it's hard not to respond aggressively. But before we get ourselves into a war, maybe we should think about firing back, and instead throw the white flag. Ask about what they believe in interest and with an open mind, and if they ask you questions they want answered, answer back with respect and love.

When we convince our opponents to trade rather than fight we open up the doors of opportunity. When we argue, the doors are shut because they aren't listening just like you aren't. Both of your defenses are up and you're lobbing grenades and firing away at each other with no hope of penetrating. Sure, you might break a wall or two, but it gets built right back up the next time. You can never get inside. Someone once told me arguing is a weapon of non-Christians, and using the same weapon is like putting yourself into a trap. They want that, because nobody gets anywhere in an argument and it isn't truly representing of what God is all about.

This truth is hitting harder and harder for me as I see debates going on in school that lead to heated arguments, as well as the people I've seen preaching "hell and brimstone" to non-believers, condemning rather than loving. We can't argue or scare people into believing; in fact we can't do anything to make people believe, only God can. We only plant the seed. But that seed may miss the mark or may be rotten if planted in the wrong way. Plant the seeds with care and love and respect, and God will make them grow.

Let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action.
1 John 3:18

True Humility

2007-03-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

The concept enthralls me. Let me start by saying this, not one person who ever did or ever will walk this Earth has shown true perfect humility except for the Godman himself, JC. What does true humility look like? I've pondered that as I've made my own attempts at it, which have proven far from successful.
Humility or humbleness, is putting others first, not thinking of yourself in what you do. At least, that's the definition we all come to associate it with. But there's more than that. You see, true humility looks also at the heart. What are our intentions down in the depths of our hearts, and why do we do the things we do really? I can't speak for everyone, but looking into myself I've found my own actions to be very others center on the outside and very selfish on the inside.
People who might know me would think otherwise. They'd say "Dave... you sing at church, you tithe, you give countless hours to the band and youth group, you sacrifice time and popularity to do what's right in God's eyes. How could you call yourself selfish?" But, as I pointed out, all they can see is the outside motive. Honestly and truly, God's pointing the finger straight at me (and me at myself) for vastly my heart differs from my outside appearance.
Somewhere deep down is a desire for God, a true passionate desire that would be satisfied with God and nothing else. But that's been shrouded in something much more unclean, my own personal desires. Humans seem to be made to follow the desires and pleasures we find in life. Whatever does or feels the most good is what we will do. And what I've found in recent years as the "good" that I desire is that desire to be the most humble, to be the most Christian, to be the most mature in the eyes of my peers and elders. It makes me feel good to know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm afraid that I'm doing it because solely I want to feel good about doing it. Take singing for example. I really desire to sing in church now, because afterwards I feel really good about what I did. I get all these great compliments about my voice and it makes me feel great. I ask myself, what if I didn't get all those compliments? What if I didn't get all those things that make me feel good about doing it? Would I still do it?
True humility for God and for others needs a selfless attitude. We can't be thinking about ourselves, our motives, our feel good pleasure highs, or anything else other than the needs of the other person. Personally, I find that impossible, because all the time I do things I do them (at least partly if not mostly) for the good things feelings I get. This frustrates me beyond belief. I really want to find that one thing I could do for God that I don't at all want to do and that when I do it I don't expect to feel good about it. That way, when I do complete it and feel good I'll know I did it without thinking at all for myself. Most of the time I think I would fail miserably at this test, because I don't think my heart is truly there yet to be able to do something without a little bit in it for me, even if it's just for the feeling of knowing I did it.
I think there is one good feeling that can motivate me that's a selfless feeling. The true good feeling that comes from serving God is what I'm aiming for, and once I obtain that, it will be my motivation and my prize for doing God's will. If a person needs a reason for themselves to do something for others, I can't think of a more selfless one than that.
More thoughts keep coming to me as I dwell on this... Maybe humility is in part realizing and accepting that we don't deserve what we have and God deserves more than we can give Him. Truly humbling ourselves before God requires a tear down of ourselves, making ourselves nothing and believing that without God we have nothing and we owe Him everything already. A true understanding of that can make doing things for Him humbly all the more selfless.
I wish I could just get what I want. I wish I could get my heart where I want it to be: truly selfless. True humbleness will never come I fear to anyone on this earth, but we definitely can hope to improve a lot. But it will take my heart some time, some trials and tests and failures and sacrifices before I get there.

Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honour humility.
Proverbs 18:12

It is better to be humble in spirit with the lowly than to divide the spoil with the proud.
Proverbs 16:19

Getting thin (metaphorically)

2007-03-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

So has there ever been anything down in the deepest depths of your soul that you wanted. Like being physically fit perhaps (whatever level that may be). We all really want it, and at certain points when we are serious we look at what we have to offer and are willing to compromise to make that want become a reality (in this case, sacrificing time to workout or food to eat healthy).

But we all have those other days. Those days where all we can think about is that huge piece of cheesecake in the freezer, or that awesome movie you want to watch (which happens to be at the time you normally exercise). What do you do? You do what all humans by nature do: eat the cheesecake and watch the movie. You know deep inside you want to be thinner or stronger, but right now that doesn't matter because the [insert favorite junk food here] just smells and tastes so good, and that movie is just too good to be postponed until later.

There's something like that going on in my life. Let's just say I have my own desire to be thinner (so to speak) and my own cheesecake in the way, just for symbolism's sake. How do I stop it? Do I find more desire? Do I take away the cheesecake altogether (which in my case is almost impossible)? Or something else? You guessed it, it's something else...

They say that when you eat no artificial sugar, natural sugars in fruits are twice as sweet. So if I could stop myself from eating cheesecake and other sweets, good foods would begin to taste just as good or better. I would be a lot more healthy (remember, symbolism here). If I went back to junk food after a long period of withdrawal, it would taste a lot worse. Soda would be syrupy and a lot of sugary foods would be just too much, naturally. The habit builds itself a defense system.

So basically, if I can keep the habit up I've got my answer. If that doesn't work, some would suggest reminding yourself how fat you will be or are if you continue to eat badly. I prefer to look ahead, showing myself what things will be like if I stop, and rather than depress me instead motivate and encourage me to move toward a goal I can envision and one that I truly have a desire and a commitment to make reality.

Never Enough

2007-03-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

We never have enough time in the day to do what we wish we could. Take my story for example, the one I'm writing that I've been writing for say a year on and off. But I have a whole Friday to work on it, sure as anything I could complete it by today, and I still have quite a ways to go just in finishing the writing (and then comes editing and editing and more editing). But what makes it so long is that fact that it's a choose your own adventure story, for every page there is a choice, and for every choice there is another path. So once I'm done all the editing, I've still got to interconnect all these pieces to make my web of chains and chains of events and events of endings. But yeah, you get the point. Basically, it's a lot of work. And maybe if I was committed to sitting down for a full day to do nothing but eat, use the bathroom, and write I could get it done. But so far there are just too many other distractions and things that need doing that I can't.
And the same goes for us as sinners (myself especially). We can try and try to be committed to being righteous and following the right ways, but there's just too much going against us and by default we will never be perfect. We aren't good enough to get into heaven because we were born to sin, just like I was born to be distracted from work by mindless things, even work I'm motivated to do such as my writing. Same idea. We can be so motivated to doing the right thing, but the next thing we know we're back in the slump of sin, doing mindless things we thought we'd steer clear from.

Some people might say "I will never be perfect, so why even try? I may as well not even aim to be good. It's not worth it." This is like saying "I'll never be able to sit down and write for a whole day straight without distractions, so why even bother trying to write the book?" What would that mean if every author said that? No amazing titles like Worldly Philosophers, Jude the Obscure, or How Democratic Is The American Constitution? would have been produced. What a shame that would have been...

I choose to believe that striving to be pure and holy as Christ encourages produces good things on earth and stores treasures we will one day reap in heaven. Like my book for example, which may not be completed tomorrow or even this weekend (sadly) but will someday be completed and it will be awesome, guaranteed.

Endurance

2007-03-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

You're running, you've been running hard for quite awhile. You're exhausted. You see a hill. You have two choices:

A. Take it slow
B. Push harder

Of course, you could just stay at the same pace, but let's assume you're looking to change your pace in hopes things might go better on this tough ascent. Let's take choice A. You take the jog slower, since the hill is tougher. You aren't suffering as much, but you're suffering it longer.
Ok, now choice B. You push harder up the hill, thus killing yourself more but in the process ascending the hill quicker and cutting your amount of pain time to a minimum. Take your pick.

It's kinda like the jellyfish man-o-war situation. Getting stung by a jellyfish they say is less painful, but the sting lasts longer. Man-o-wars tend to hurt more initially, but the sting subsides a lot quicker. So which one is better?

Back to the running idea, I used to pick choice A, both when actually running and with many of my other problems. I'd take it slow and easy, hoping in time the problem would pass. If I didn't have to face the brunt of the problem, I didn't care how long it took to finish it. Back then I was convinced it worked, but now the more I look at it (both my life and my running times) I realize that I was slowing myself up. I didn't take charge, I didn't face the problem head on, I didn't tackle it from the beginning. However much I hate to admit it, though the initial problem might be hard to face or conquer, the lasting consequences of diving into the conflict rather than riding it out really turn out better. The pain I feel from unsolved matters and unfixed relationships can not be compared to the nonexistent pain from solved conflicts I tackled on the spot.

When I run full speed up a hill, sometimes I trip and fall and it hurts even more. We can expect to be successful after every run. But the great thing is that we get better and more conditioned for it the more we do it. You can't however get conditioned by taking things slow. You never learn when you never fall, and you can't grow without pain and challenge.

I'm running the triathlon in two and 1/2 months. I'm excited. I did it last year and it was quite an amazing feeling. But I won't be able to do it if I continue to choose the slow strategy when I go up those hills, whether on bike or running. I have to push forward and suffer the pain now to build the endurance to keep me going when things get tough.

Eying or Eyeing?

2007-03-12T14:02:00.000-07:00

Both words 'eyeing' and 'eying' are accepted by dictionary.com and Microsoft Word, however here it says that eyeing is wrong. Interesting. As with most things, I hate not having a definite answer. It messes me up. How can I write my story with two ways to spell the same word? I don't mind two synonyms, but that's different than two spellings. Oh, right, forgot to mention my story. I'm writing a Star Wars themed "choose your own adventure" story, which coincidently has a ton of different choices that affect the course of the story. However, choices are only good if they clearly have two different outcomes. Having one word that by choice can be spelled two different ways is driving me insane. Maybe it's just me...

Mercy and grace

2007-03-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

Perhaps a month or two ago I heard my Pastor in youth group mention the difference between mercy and grace. "Mercy" he said "is something we get that we deserve or expect. Grace is something we get that we don't deserve." I tried at that moment to picture a judge in court giving a sentence to a prisoner who was convicted of first degree murder. Normally a judge is considered merciful for sentencing the man to a lifetime in prison rather than capital punishment. Firstly I ask myself if he got what he deserved, and I believe so. A lifetime in prison, never to go out and experience the joys of the world is punishment enough. However, I also ask myself what grace would be in that situation. Absolute freedom, no punishment at all. 'What?' we ask ourselves. 'He deserves to be punished; he deserves to learn a lesson for what he did!' Yeah I agree. But it's the same thing with us.
We murder through our hate, commit adultery through our lust, steal, lie, cheat, shout profanities, and think terrible thoughts. And if God were merciful, he would sentence us all to a lifetime in Hell, away from the joy of experiencing Him in all of His wonder. We deserve it. But He chose grace. He paid our punishment through Jesus so we could get off Scott free. We may not think it's fair, and it isn't. But He loved us enough to be unfair.
I remind myself of that truth everytime I mess up, because every time I wonder why God let's all this great stuff happen in my life despite how horrible I have been and how much I have done wrong. This thought that I can't understand keeps me going. More

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. -Relient K

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not
without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the
grace of God that was with me. 
1 Corinthians 15:10

Signs

2007-03-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

Before, during, and after I do something wrong, I see a number of things that remind me of what I'm about to do, what I'm doing, and what I did. Well, I messed up again tonight. But I was watching The Departed after I had fallen, and that verse I posted yesterday speaking of pride, that verse was quoted in the movie. Despite the fact that the movie had more f words in it than all other movies I've ever seen combined, I think that was God's purpose to place that line there. It reminded me of what I had done, and is just another indication for me that God is there. I'm confident when I need intervention during times of trouble, God will be there to intervene and help me through it.

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Confidence: Striking a Medium

2007-03-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

Everything has its extremes. Take weight lifting. You lift next to no weight, you gain no muscle. You lift too much weight, you blow your muscles. Either way, the extremes bring little to no productivity in what you do, thus you look for a medium weight that fits just right. Sort of like the "3 Little Bears" idea, except more applicable. Think about this in terms of messing up. I've messed up, in fact I messed up real bad today. And this happened mainly because of extremes, extremes in my level of confidence about where I am.
I love to compare. I look at others to rank myself probably more times than I can count in a day, however subtly it may be. And most of the time, I rank myself pretty high on the list in comparison. Whether it be a certain talent, intelligence, wisdom, or maturity, I in my mind think I'm better. This boosts my confidence. While confidence isn't a bad thing, pride certainly is, and it blinded me to my own problems. I forgot that I was just as vulnerable to mess up as everyone else, and I let my guard down to temptation. And I got hit hard. But the same can happen the other way so it seems.
Imagine your in the same situation, comparing yourself with everyone else, except now you realized you've messed up. You see everyone else's shining faces and think how horrible you are. So you ask yourself "Why should I even try?" and you give up. Same results.

What do we need? Find a medium between the two. Don't be discouraged by sin, but don't live thinking you'll ever be good enough to avoid it yourself.

Galatians 6:9
So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.

Proverbs 16:18
Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

The name says it all

2007-02-09T21:33:00.000-08:00

This blog is more than just a blog of random thought. It's a collection of thoughts put together with something practical, something hopefully one can walk away and have become better by reading it. Let's face it, there's endless amounts of worthless activities one could be doing, because there's an endless amount of pointless crap on the internet. But what point would there be for me to create a blog on the internet to post my feelings and ideas rather than write in a journal? None at all, unless there were some other objective for the blog. Whether it be to entertain, enlighten, or inform, I wish to give purpose to my thoughts. For what good are things that don't have a purpose? As good as my habits... more on that later.